Sh*t Just Got Real, Y'all

     Now that I've had some time to let all of the crazy events in my life these days simmer a bit, I'm starting to feel more relaxed about some things, and more stressed by others.  I'm feeling more relaxed about buying a house and moving across the country now that everything is all lined up and ready to go.  I'm feeling completely relaxed about finishing medical school and graduating.  I've been getting my research project all set up to run in my absence, and have recruited another medical student to help.  My bridesmaid duties are officially over now that their wedding is finished.  Side note - it was the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen...  I even finished the yearbooks up a few weeks ago, and they are supposed to be delivered to me today (can't wait to see how they turned out!).


     But now that those stressors are dying out, it's time for me to start dealing with the next wave of madness.  I'm beginning to feel scared about starting intern year.  I even had a nightmare about it last night.  I dreamed that I forgot where and when I was supposed to show up the first day, and that I was running 30 min late, had no idea where I was going, and it was terrible.  I guess it's pretty natural to be having anxiety about starting a new job and new challenges.

     Also, while I am absolutely thrilled about being engaged, and very excited to get married to B, the realities of the situation have set in.  How the hell do people logistically get married during residency?!  Having time off at the same time as one another is one hurdle, and having more than one week off at a time is another hurdle, which means that we'll have to wait until at least our PGY2 year.  The other hurdle is, how the hell are we supposed to save up for something so expensive on a resident salary?!  My parents have graciously offered some money for the wedding, and while we are ecstatic about that, we are realistically going to need to save a substantial amount of money on top of that.  The other huge challenge is who the going to plan this wedding.  I mean, I love planning this stuff, but I'm going to have minuscule time off during intern year.  Not to mention, how am I supposed to plan a wedding on the West Coast when I'm living on the East Coast? AAGGGGHH *$%#@$!!!

     Anyone have any tips for planning for and saving for a wedding during residency?

Back To Where It All Started

    Before I talk about our moving adventures, I think I'm just gonna go ahead and spill the beans about where we ended up matching.  I'm always hesitant to disclose any information that is too identifying on this blog, for fear that it may be held against me professionally.  However, I think there are enough programs in our city that you wouldn't even be able to guess which program we're at.

     Here goes: We're going to Philadelphia, y'all!!!  Okay, now I'm going to carry on.

Moving day donuts

     So just a measly 7 days after Match Day, BF and I packed up our lives and moved everything over the span of two days.  Luckily, we had friends and family to help us.  We put most of our possessions into a storage unit for the time being, and we are living with my parents nearby for the next fews months before we officially move across the country.  As you can imagine, scrambling to find a place to live 3,000 miles away in two months is less than ideal.  Unfortunately, that's the name of the game with the Match.  There is absolutely no way to prepare ahead of time and look at places, because you have no idea where you're gonna end up.

     On the bright side, it has actually been pretty nice living with my parents.  No bills, no buying food, good company.  It's pretty sweet.  It's also nice to be spending time with my parents before we move so far away :(

     Though I'm very anxious to find a place to live in time, I'm actually getting really excited because we are going to buy a house!  Holy crap - I'm going to own (co-own) a house!  I never would have thought I could afford to own a house at this stage in my life, but BF showed me the numbers, and the housing market in Philadelphia is very buyer friendly.  So this weekend, we're heading to Philly to go house hunting, and I can't wait!  Wish us luck!  We're gonna need some if we want to find a home in one weekend, and to close in time before we start working.

Match

     I know this post is very late, and I didnt mean to leave y'all hanging, but a LOT has happened in the past month. Match day finally came, and as promised, it brought surprise, excitement, and tears.  

   My friends and I rode the shuttle to school so that we could have some cocktails before and after to ease the nerves without anyone having to be designated driver, which in retrospect, was an excellent idea.  I can't even describe the amount of tension and palpable anxiety we had in the room.  Everyone was so on edge.  And then the moment came.  We picked up our envelopes, and when the clock struck 9:00 AM, it was time.

   BF and I barely even started opening our envelopes when we heard commotion and screams all over the room.  But we weren't paying much attention to that.  Going into the match, I wasn't that nervous about not matching together, but about 20 minutes before we got our envelopes, the fear hit me all at once.  What if we ended up on opposite coasts?!  We finally got our envelopes open, looked at them, and breathed a sigh of relief that we ended up together in the same city.  Then we breathed another sigh of relief that we both ended up at programs we really liked.  But HOLY CRAP WE'RE MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY!  Then every single person in that crowded room proceeded to bombard us with questions.  It was absolutely overwhelming.

   It's only after the fact that I truly appreciate how absurd the entire tradition of match day is.  We put our lives on hold for months, having no idea where we will end up for the next chapter of our lives, so we're not able to plan ANYTHING (which is completely terrifying for a typical type-A med student).  Then in the span of 30 seconds, our entire life changes right before our eyes, and we don't have a single second to process what just happened before we have to celebrate with everyone.  

   The reality really didn't sink in until a few days later.  But once we had a few moments to really let it sink in, we became very excited. We're going to a whole new city that neither of us has ever lived in before, so it's gonna be an adventure.  And we're really excited to explore and try something new.  I've lived in California my whole life, and now I'm moving to the East Coast.  I'm gonna have to buy some real winter clothes!  Haha.  Most importantly, we ended up at hospitals in the same city (a few blocks from each other even).  And we are both at programs we loved.  So here's to new adventures! Yippeeeeeeee!!!!!

Match Monday

     It's official y'all - I have a job!!! Today MS4s across the country found out whether or not they matched.  I matched!!! And so did BF! Now we just have to wait till Friday to find out if we matched together, and to see where we're gonna end up.  Luckily only 2 out of about 96 people in our class had to SOAP (formerly known as the "scramble"), which is less than previous years, so people generally did OK.  Whoever those two people are, and for all those who had to SOAP, I wish them luck, and I hope it all works out.

 

One week

    It so close I can taste it.  Everything I've been working for has lead me to this point. One week left! It also helps that this week is super busy. Tomorrow is Mirth Control, the annual school roast event that I've been working on for months. I'll be sure to post some of the videos on YouTube afterwards.

      I'm really glad I'm ending the year on Family Planning.  Though I actually do have to do some work, it has been so fun actually doing things I care about, learning a lot, and hanging out with people I love and respect.  

     I actually started getting all sentimental today.  After tomorrow, no more Mirths.  In one week, I'm gonna know exactly where I'm going, and I'm gonna have to deal with it, for better or worse.  No more mystery or intrigue.  On the flip side, I can at least move forward after that.  Start planning my next step.  So here's to all the other MS4s out there.  Enjoy these last moments of medical school.  And my the match be ever in your favor! 

Scratch That

     In my last post I talked about how I was going to be stepping back from my research for a bit after some set-backs occurred.  Well, I was wrong.  My research mentor actually wants to move to the next step of re-submitting for IRB approval with modifications like right now.  So, I thought I was only going to have to worry about planning Mirth for the next two weeks (which is plenty to handle itself), butttttt I was wrong.

     Man, at least I can say I really ended 4th year with a bang!  I have been SO BUSY!

In the grand scheme of things, 30 days is the blink of an eye

   Yep, shit is getting real now, y'all.  30 days until Match Day - the day that our fate is decided.

What I've been doing to keep my mind off of it:

• Co-hosted a bridal shower
• Performed "My Angry Vagina" in the Vagina Monologues
• Spending 9 - 5 in a dissection anatomy didactic
• Working on the class yearbook
• Planning and filming stuff for Mirth Control
• Scrambling to work on and finish my research project that is due next Friday (to get credit for 4th year).  Unfortunately, I only have preliminary data to turn in for the school project deadline, but I plan to submit a more complete project later for actual publication. 
• Zumba, running, Hip-hop, and dieting
• Crafting when time permits (not often lately)

   I'm getting more excited, and trying not to be worried, because there is absolutely nothing I can do at this point to change the outcome of the match.  I just wanna get it over with, rip the bandaid off, and find out where we're going to spend the next 5-7 years of our lives!  

Exercise Endorphins

   Last week, I finally started to get serious about trying to lose weight.  I mean, I have a bridesmaid dress sitting in my closet that I need to fit into by May!  It almost zips all the way, it's just a teensy bit too tight (due to a bit of extra weight from interview feasts + holiday feasts).  I have plenty of time, and I know I can do it, so I'm not too worried.  I just need to do it.

   So anyway, last week, in addition to my usual running the puppy every other day (BF and I trade off), I finally joined this dance studio I've been stalking online for years.  I ended up going 4 times in the week, and I loved it!  I forgot how happy it makes me to dance.  And I love how concentrating on technique and the routine completely clears my mind, which is hard to do to a medical student.  So I can't wait to keep going for the next two months while I still live here.

   Last week I did really well.  I stuck to my diet, I worked out 6/7 days, and actually worked out twice in one day a few times.  I felt like a million bucks.  Then, I took a break from dieting for a day so that I could pig out enjoy Superbowl snacks, which was fine because I planned for it.  But then Monday, I think a combo of not getting enough sleep, transitional exhaustion from actually having to be on a rotation again, and the temptation of leftover Superbowl snacks in the fridge was the perfect recipe for an unplanned binge TERRIBLE diet/exercise day.  I ended up feeling like crap all Monday, Tuesday, and first half of today.  It was so hard to get back into the zone I was in last week - until I went on my puppy run.  I felt so much better afterward!  It was like an instant mood boost!  I think I may have crossed over to that point I've always heard people talk about, where you become "addicted" to exercise and feel crappy when you don't do it.  I've never been like that before!  Anyway, now that I know how much better I feel if I just get out there and DO something, it won't be as hard to drag myself to do it.

The last month has started off a little rocky...

I can't believe how good I was last month.  I ran almost 30 miles! 

Stuck In A Weird Spot

   Every now and then, I find myself stuck in a weird spot. Now is one of those times. On one hand, I feel anxious for time to pass, and to get these next few months over with. It's excruciating worrying about where we're gonna match, and it's completely out of our control at this point. I also have so many things I need to get done in the next month or two that are nagging at me constantly. I can't wait for these things to be accomplished so I can stop fretting about them. 

   On the other hand, I also want time to slow down, so that I can stay in this moment forever. The end of fourth year is so bittersweet, knowing this is gonna be the last time you spend with a lot of your classmates. And lately I've been so spoiled with fun, easy rotations that residency is gonna hurt for the first few months. I've had time to relax, exercise, re-exploring my love for dance, read books that make me happy but not smarter, and craft to my heart's content.  

   I'm confused about what I want. Regardless, time is gonna keep on passing by, and my perception of that is gonna be what it's gonna be. 

50 Days

   Get your tiny violin out, folks, because my lovely 10 weeks of vacation is almost over.  It has been absolutely amazing.  And surprisingly, I actually haven't gotten bored because I've been keeping busy with all of my various projects.

"What has been occupying her time?" you might wonder:

• Bridal shower planning: This was a few days ago, and it turned out lovely, but I'm glad it's over so I don't have to think about it anymore.  And speaking of being a good bridesmaid, I've been trying to lose weight to fit into my bridesmaid dress. 
• Research: Still slow-going.  The hardest part is waiting.
• Class yearbook: We chose a fantastic company, and everything is underway and going well so far.  I'm really excited about this!
• MIRTH Control: This is probably stressing me out the most.  Time to come up with videos/skits is dwindling, getting people to commit to participate is like pulling teeth, and I have so many other things I'm working on too.
• Vagina Monologues: This is the first time I've ever really acted.  I need to practice more, because the other people performing are really good.  Gotta step my game up.
• Planning our New Zealand vacation: Luckily this isn't until April, so there's still time, but I don't wanna procrastinate too much.
• MATCH Rank Order List: DONE, thank goodness.  Certified and everything.  We've got about 23 ranks together, and the rest of our 144-long list are us matching in different cities.  The good news is that there is absolutely nothing else we need to do before match day.  The bad news is that it makes me soooo anxious thinking about us not matching together.  

   Well, it seems like even more to me after I listed it all out. It's been fun!  Next week I start a rotation where we observe and perform surgical procedures on human cadavers.  Should be pretty interesting, but I'm not looking forward to actually having to be somewhere every day.  I know, I know... This is why I told you to get out your tiny violin earlier.

A Dilemma 35,000 Feet High

   I just got off a connecting flight to my next interview, and unlike all of my other flights so far, this flight was quite eventful.  About 20 minutes into the 2-hour flight, a flight attendant called out over the loudspeaker for any "doctors or other health professionals".  My adrenaline immediately started pumping.

   I'm thinking, "Should I say something?  I mean, I'm only a 4th year medical student.  I know some stuff, but I don't know as much as an experienced, licensed physician.  Although, I suppose I know a lot more than a flight attendant or lay-person.  Are there any other physicians on the plane? There are three other 4th year medical students on the plane too (one classmate, and two others that I met just prior to the flight), so all together, we equal a real doctor, right?  Even if one of us does volunteer to help, would they want our help even though we don't officially have our M.D. and don't have licenses yet?  In addition, I think that some Good Samaritan Laws protect those that provide assistance, but I think that some don't cover "non-medical professionals".  Could we potentially be sued since we are just MS4s?"


   But before I could even decide whether or not to go up, an obese, greasy guy in sweats sitting near me immediately hit his call button, heading up to the front of the plane.  I think to myself, "Oh, I suppose he is a doctor!  Well, I'll watch from here and see if he needs help."

   A few minutes later, my classmate (who is going into Orthopedic Surgery) walks up, saying that the flight attendant informed him that the guy volunteering was a respiratory therapist.  He went up to the front of the plane to provide assistance, and together, him and the RT assessed the patient*, put her on oxygen, and they decided she was stable enough to make it the entire flight.

   I'm glad everything worked out okay, but I felt so guilty afterward.  I mean, I wasn't trying to avoid helping, I just figured they didn't need me.  I thought that guy who volunteered first was a doctor since he was so gung-ho about it.  I suppose I should have just asked him if he needed help, just in case.  Oh well, woulda coulda shoulda.  I know there are a lot of people out there who like to show off that they have the tiniest bit of medical training, and though well-intentioned, I think these people can be more harmful than helpful at times.  I guess I'm trying to avoid being one of these people, though I'm almost a doctor... so I really do sorta know what I'm doing, right?

   Anyone else ever been in a situation like this?  What would you have done?

* She ended up being an elderly woman with CHF who was having severe anxiety

Keeping "Busy"

   Wow, I really haven't been blogging very much lately.  I think it's because I know it will end up being about how anxious and panicked I am about getting more interview invites, so I subconsciously try to spare you all lol.  I had my first interview, and (I think) it went pretty well.  I also had a little more action at the end of October.  Got a couple more interviews, got a couple more rejections, got a couple of "wait list" invites.  So needless to say, it's been an absolute roller coaster of excitement and sheer panic, and the worst part is there isn't much I can do to control anything.  From what I've heard, most OB/Gyn programs have given out most, if not all, of their interview invites.  All we can do as applicants at this point is be patient, try our best on our interviews, and hope for more last-minute interview invites later on.  One of my OB/Gyn intern friends told me that she got interview invitations as late as December last year!

   I was starting to panic that BF and I didn't have enough interviews in overlapping geographical areas, but we met with one of our deans, and he assured us that we should be OK.  *Should be* Not exactly a phrase that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, haha, but hey, I'll take what I can get.

   Anyway, see what I did there?  I did exactly what I knew I would - blogged about being anxious.  In the meantime, I finished my Radiology rotation, which was pretty good.  The schedule was laid-back and I enjoyed the practice reading ultrasounds and CTs.  Now I'm on Emergency Medicine, which is pretty good.  My favorite shift so far was when I got to see a couple of gyn-related patients (surprise surprise).  Not all of the patients in the ED interest me, so it was reassuring that I enjoyed taking care of those patients.  It's nice to know you picked the right field for yourself.  Tonight, I start a string of night shifts, which I don't mind at all.  I hope I get to suture a bunch of lacerations or something.

   I've been trying to use my free time to spend time with family and friends.  See below!

Halloween

BF and I were ninjas for Halloween

J came to Sacramento too! :)

And We're Off!

   Tomorrow is my very first interview for residency.  I was planning on driving straight there in the morning (2 hours WITHOUT traffic), but then I came to my senses, and decided to split a hotel room with J right down the street.  It's much less stressful this way.  

   Waiting for interview invitations has been an emotional roller-coaster.  One minute I'm staying positive, being patient.  Other times I'm on board the panic train, full steam ahead.  Let's just say that interview invitations have been trickling in - but excruciatingly slowly.  I met with my advisor, and even she was surprised about the places I haven't heard from yet.  I think this year is just really competitive, and it doesn't help that 9 people from my school are applying for OB/Gyn, so I'm automatically ranked against them.  Anyway, I think it will all work out in the end.  I keep hearing that invites will continue coming even through December, many of them last minute, so I still have hope.  

   I'm very excited (and really nervous) for my first interview tomorrow.  I hope they like me, and I hope I am able to give a good impression of myself.  As I was driving to the hotel tonight with my favorite girls - Lana Del Rey, Beyonce, Carrie Underwood - I couldn't help but smile.  This whole process is such an adventure, and there's nothing else like it!  I'm really trying to enjoy the whole journey.  I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and laugh.  It's something that we all have to go through to get to the next step in medicine!  Wish me luck!

J looking up jokes in case they ask for one on the interview lol

Soooo that just happened...

   Today I officially submitted my residency application.  I applied to a grand total of 32 programs which are on the West Coast, East Coast, and a few random ones in between.  I am couples-matching with BF, who is going into general surgery, so we wanted to apply broadly, just to be safe.  

It was obscenely expensive

   Somehow, all of my stuff got uploaded and is ready to go.  I think one of the most helpful things my oh-so-amazing advisor told me, was to have my application completely ready to go by Sept 1st, even though it isn't due until Sept 15th.  Because of this, I had plenty of time to have it looked over (by her, of course), and as the days counted down to September 15th, I was ready, so was more excited than stressed.  I checked back later today (yep, let the neuroticism begin) and three programs have already accessed my information!  Hopefully, fingers crossed, BF and I will be offered interviews in the next couple of weeks.  I'm both excited/giddy and anxious/worried.  I'm really looking forward to traveling and exploring.  I'm worried about people liking me (wow, that's a first for me... not).  

   So now I just wait. Check my phone and email obsessively, and wait.  And take out my anxiety in the form of arts & crafts, which by the way is going amazingly.  If you read my post a couple of weeks ago, I was aching for the right side of my brain to wake up.  I have been quite successful, and I've really been enjoying relaxing and making art.  I'll post some of my amateur work later!

Residency Rush

   How is it almost September?! Time is just flying by.  So far, 4th year rocks!  It was super intense in the beginning, but things have calmed down now, and my residency application is really starting to come together.  I have my personal statement done, my letters of recommendation uploaded into ERAS, and I've taken Step 2 CK and Step 2 CS.  Really, I just need to enter things from my CV into ERAS, and I'm finished!  I'm applying to a grand total of 32 programs. Normally, you don't have to apply to this many programs for OB/Gyn, but I'm couples-matching* which complicates things, and I just like to be extra cautious.  BF is applying for General Surgery, and we're applying all over the East Coast, all over the West Coast, and some random places in between.

   My amazing OB/Gyn advisor** has put together a series of workshops on applying to OB/Gyn residency for us MS4s, and today we talked about interviewing.  From what it sounds like, it is exactly like rushing for a sorority.  You go and interview, and they sit down with your picture, say what they thought about you, and rank you in order of how badly they want you to match there.  It is a "mutual selection process," where the programs rank the candidates, and the candidates rank the programs.  Then some crazy computer algorithm takes these rank lists and computes where you are supposed to match. And come that special day in March, you open up an envelope, and the piece of paper inside tells you exactly where you'll be spending the next 3-5 years of your life.  (This is the equivalent of a sorority bid).
There's no negotiating, no waitlists, no choosing between different acceptances.  The decision-making is done for you, and fate nudges you in the right direction.


* For you non-medical folk: couples-matching is basically where you apply to residency programs as a package deal with your significant other, that way you HAVE to end up in the same geographical region

** Who, by the way, I totally wanna be her when I grow up. She is amazing.

   Speaking of sorority rush, I recently went to a super fun wine and cheese event for the local Gamma Phi alumnae chapter.  It was a lot of fun, and I hope I have time to go to more events this year.

 Alpha Iota Alumnae!

So Close

   Tomorrow I take Step 2 CK.  I've been studying for a little over two weeks now, only taking two days "off" to be able to take school clinical exams.  Studying has been going okay, in fact, it's been really nice to set my own schedule.  I used to hate studying at home, but this time, I've really enjoyed it.  I wake up, take my time, don't even get dressed for the first half of the day, play with the puppy during study breaks.  BF and I took our practice exam last week, and it went fine, so I'm hoping it's a pretty accurate prediction of my score.  I think the only reason we were able to get away with studying such a short time, is because we just came off our Internal Medicine rotation, and we actually studied really hard during that rotation.  I'm feeling a bit anxious for the test tomorrow, but I am so excited to get it overwith, and I am incredibly glad that I don't have to study any longer (for now).  After tomorrow, our real vacation starts. A whole week and a half *gasp* of vacation, where we can just relax.  Well, there actually is a little "work" I need to do during that time (data entry for research, and working on another research project), but at least we'll be doing fun stuff in between.  

Was tired of studying one afternoon, so I got my crafting on, and made these uteri magnets for my friends

Flashbacks to Step 1 studying

Enjoying the view, or plotting their escape?

   Well, here goes nothing.  This first couple of months of fourth year are gonna be pretty stressful, as I really front-loaded my schedule, but I have a good feeling about this year.

In Medicine, We Sacrifice A Lot

 These last couple of years, we've heard over and over, when you go into medicine, you sacrifice so much.  I knew I'd have to sacrifice things, miss out on fun activities, delay important life milestones, and neglect relationships.  But man, we really do give up a lot.  It's hard to grasp it until you find yourself with no time, no patience, and no sympathy for others, even your loved ones.  My grandma just got discharged from the hospital for a UTI, but she is still delirious, and we're starting to worry if she's gonna get back to her mental baseline.  This issue is bringing up a lot of family drama, about who is gonna take care of her, what will we do for her, what can we do for her, and all I can think about is how I just can't.  I just can't deal with these things.  I don't have time, I don't have energy, I don't have the patience, the sympathy, the strength.  I just can't.

  I'm just gonna have to be selfish on this one, and stay out of it, let everyone else figure it out, and keep my head above water.  I can't afford to get involved, to be supportive, or to lend my time and energy, because sadly, I'm barely scraping by with what little I've got.  I'm just gonna do what I've gotten really good at this year, and remain numb.  Numb and selfish.  God I hope this version of me doesn't last forever.

   I guess the best way I can be helpful, but still keep my own head above water, is to support my parents while they help figure out this whole family crisis mess.  I can do that.

My friend L recently posted about third year in med school, and how it changes us.  And I really enjoyed it, because she perfectly explained exactly how I feel.

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

   Before you start your third year of medical school, people try to tell you how hard its gonna be.  And you think you know what they're talking about, but you can't possibly know until you go through it for yourself.  Before this year started, I thought I understood what being a doctor would be like - but I had no idea.  Its just something you can't describe until you experience it.

   This last rotation has been quite hard for me.  I have been on pediatrics, something that I am not at all interested in.  And we've been going straight for six months without any breaks, and often not even having entire weekends.  I never thought I would feel this burned out, but here I am.  These last two months have been a pretty low point in my life, and its gotten to the point where I don't like who I've become.  I'm bitter, irritable, unmotivated, withdrawn from family and friends, and don't even enjoy fun things I used to.  I can't even pinpoint anything in particular that's made me feel this way.  Its just all of it.  I need a break... really bad.

   The one thing that makes me feel slightly better is that:
A) I'm not alone - everyone, even the most bubbly, giddy people in my class are feeling like I am right now.
B) There is something I love in medicine - OBGyn.  I loved my time on that rotation and am really looking forward to being an OBgyn resident.
C) After my shelf tomorrow morning, I have three wonderful weeks off.  THREE WEEKS.  I have only had four days off in the past month!
D) BF takes care of me, though he has to take care of himself too
E) Puppy is coming home in like two weeks and I CAN'T WAIT

   For the longest time I was trying to ignore how down I've been, in fact that's a big reason I haven't blogged in a while, because I knew it would just be bitter rants about my days.  But I finally realized that I don't have to live like this, so I tried to make an appointment with our school psychologist, however she was booked solid this week (I'm guessing everyone else is having crises around this time too?).  I'll get in there soon enough haha.  But yeah, I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes we all need a bit of help.  And I hate how people are so hush-hush-taboo about mental health and seeing therapists.  It's completely normal, and quite helpful - if you buy into it.  Anyway, just wanted to share some of the things that I've been struggling with lately.  And if you are a pre-med, med student, or resident out there who is struggling a bit, you aren't alone.  Sometimes, we all just need a bit of a boost.

 

Medical Mondays - Reality Slap

   Time to link up again!  Head over to Your Doctor's Wife if you are on the hunt for more fabulous medical related blogs to read.

   I'm still partially recovering from the reality slap of a meeting I had with my advisor for OBGyn the other day.  I met with him to discuss what kind of candidate I am for applying to OBGyn residency, what I should do to make myself more competitive (especially because I'll be couples-matching), etc.  Unfortunately, I have a lot of work to do.  He said my scores and such are good, however, I am seriously lacking in the extra-curricular/research section of my application.  Compared to my classmates (who over-commit and spread themselves wayyy too thin, in my opinion), I look like a slacker.  Womp womp.  I am just the type of person who is "all or nothing".  If I commit to something, I go full-force, gung-ho.  That's why I don't commit to just anything.
   So, as much as I thought I would never do research in med school, here I am looking for a project.  I have never done research before, so I have no idea where to even start with anything!  I think I've been so hesitant to do any research because I know I'm going to need a lot of hand-holding.  I definitely need to come up with something that really interests me, though.  If I have learned anything about myself, it's that I am capable of really hard work, but only when I'm extremely motivated.

   I also think my advisor is sorta pushing me beyond where I really need to be as a candidate, because I think he wants me to just get in wherever I decide I want to go, easily.  And that's okay.  I need to be pushed sometimes.  We all saw what happened when my advisor pushed me farther than I thought I could go when studying for boards...

So This Is What People Meant When They Said Third Year Was Rough

   Let me start out by saying I am fully aware that many of my posts lately have been negative.  I hate to be so negative, so I'm going to end this post with positive thoughts, because really, you can always find something positive in everything - even though finding that positive thing doesn't necessarily improve one's piss-poor mood.

   Anyway, I mentioned in my last post that I was hating my surgery rotation so far.  I had previously said that I didn't want to post about it until after I recieved my grade, in case anyone happened to read it and it somehow affect my grade for the clerkship.  I've decided that I'll just talk about it now, but maybe in a more vague manner.  And like I said, I don't mean to be whiney or complainey, but I'm doing this more as a way of having something to look back to later on.  I want something I can refer to, when I forget the particulars of why I was so unhappy on this rotation, so that I know what things to watch out for when I'm deciding what specialty to go into or what sites to apply for residency. 

   First off, and this is not unique to surgery by any means, who you have to work with is SO crucial to everything.  Your co-worker's attitudes and styles set the tone for everything, so when you work with people who are passive aggressive, hate patients, don't want to be bothered by anyone, and are in a bad mood (because they are tired and overworked), it rubs off on the entire team.
   One thing that especially bothers me is some of the unprofessionalism I've witnessed from the more senior residents, who should be acting as role models for the interns and med students.  The way one of the senior residents talks about the patients behind their backs is appalling.  He casts judgement on all of them, doesn't care about their well-being whatsoever, and has even gone as far as calling them profanities.  Every time he opens his mouth, I find myself thinking, "Do you even LIKE patients?!"  I'm sure everyone has their periods of being frustrated by patients, but ultimately, isn't the reason most of us go into medicine is because we want to take care of people?  Or maybe that's just me.  Anyway, this guy just seems to despise patients and has absolutely no respect for most of them, so I don't really know what his deal is.
   Another thing I have a huge issue with, is how little respect many of the team members have for eachother.  They talk bad about one another behind eachother's backs, all the while in front of everyone else, making everyone in earshot feel extremely awkward.  Most of the time they are complaining about something that the other person has no idea they are even doing wrong.  It would be so much easier if they would just say to that person, directly, what they are doing wrong, and then they can just fix it!  And then everyone will be happy!  Some of the team members can't even show respect for the attending!  There is one girl, whose facial expressions allow you to read her thoughts like a book.  I've learned to watch her face during rounds (for pure entertainment on my part), because when other people are talking, including the attendings, she makes several expressions of disgust and contempt.  Maybe she doesn't realize how expressive she is, and has no idea that she is displaying her feelings for the whole team to see?

  That said, there ARE some things I like about this rotation.  In fact, all the things I don't like about this rotation are mostly dependent on who I'm working with.  And I'm not really sure if that's unique to this particular department?  Obviously I can't generalize these personalities to ALL surgeons, so we'll see how my experience on GI surgery is.  I particularly like the short get-right-to-the-point rounds.  From what little time I've spent in the OR so far, I like it!  I really like seeing patients, whether it's waking them up at an ungodly hour to preround on them, or popping in to say hi during rounds, I really enjoy all the little interactions I have.  I especially love the crazy patients.  I find them to be an entertaining challenge.  Luckily, I think I will come across crazy patients in any field of medicine. 

   Finally, I'll leave you with one of my favorite patient encounters.  There is one patient who suffered a severe traumatic brain injury, and is now severely disabled: physically and mentally.  He has a lot of trouble speaking, and most of the time, his words come out all mumbled and slurred.  Because he isn't really able to comunicate, a lot of the times on rounds the doctors would just ignore him and talk about him like he couldn't hear them.  Every morning I would go in to preround on him, and he began to be able to talk more and more.  One day, when I went to see him, he said, "yyyygghhh zzzhhhccckkin mmmeeaaaaan."  I had to have him repeat it several times, saying, "I really want to understand what you're saying, sir, but I can't!"  Finally, I was able to make out that he was saying, "You've been checking on me."  And I said "Ooohhhh... Yes! I have been checking on you every morning!"  He replied, "I appreciate it."     

    It's the little things that make me happy.