Scratch That

     In my last post I talked about how I was going to be stepping back from my research for a bit after some set-backs occurred.  Well, I was wrong.  My research mentor actually wants to move to the next step of re-submitting for IRB approval with modifications like right now.  So, I thought I was only going to have to worry about planning Mirth for the next two weeks (which is plenty to handle itself), butttttt I was wrong.

     Man, at least I can say I really ended 4th year with a bang!  I have been SO BUSY!

The Tower

     Last month, when I was playing with my zombie tarot cards for some insight into February, I got a card that didn't make much sense to me at the time - the tower.  The tower represents "a sudden change, questioning conventions, destruction".  Naturally, a card like this would worry any normal control-freak.  But there's no point in worrying over things that haven't happened yet, especially things we don't even know about yet.

     A few days ago it came crashing down on me.  Though my research project had been going slower than I originally anticipated, it had at least been moving forward.  I had collected my first month of data.  I sat down to enter all of the data and perform some rudimentary preliminary analysis on it (to have something to turn in for my fourth year med school research project).  What I found was worrying.

     My research project involves a survey, and unfortunately, over half of the respondents weren't answering the most important question appropriately.  Based on their responses, they most likely didn't understand what I was asking for.  At this point, I was disappointed, but I kept moving on.

     I met with my research mentor to go over the preliminary findings (for the purposes of my medical school project due), and as soon as we got to the part about over half of the respondents not answering that question appropriately, he threw me off that tower.  "Oh, you're gonna have to stop your study then," he said bluntly.  "Basically, we're gonna have to go back to the drawing board, rewrite that question and start over."  He was very reassuring that this stuff just happens in research, and that we'll get the study done in due time, but it will likely have to be my residency research project.

     While I completely understand the reasoning behind it, I was still a little surprised.  I wasn't quite expecting something this drastic in response to the lack of appropriate responses.  And what was even more of a surprise, was how this all made me feel.  I would have expected to feel angry or frustrated, especially considering the amount of time and effort I have put into this over the past YEAR, however, I felt relieved.  I definitely want to finish, and someday publish, this study, but now there is no way to finish the project before I graduate, so it essentially has to be put on hold while I figure out how to reword that part of the survey - and where I'm going to be next year.  So that means I actually get a bit of a break from it while all this other crazy Match and graduation stuff is going on.  *phew*

     Oh yeah, and 22 days till Match...

In the grand scheme of things, 30 days is the blink of an eye

   Yep, shit is getting real now, y'all.  30 days until Match Day - the day that our fate is decided.

What I've been doing to keep my mind off of it:

• Co-hosted a bridal shower
• Performed "My Angry Vagina" in the Vagina Monologues
• Spending 9 - 5 in a dissection anatomy didactic
• Working on the class yearbook
• Planning and filming stuff for Mirth Control
• Scrambling to work on and finish my research project that is due next Friday (to get credit for 4th year).  Unfortunately, I only have preliminary data to turn in for the school project deadline, but I plan to submit a more complete project later for actual publication. 
• Zumba, running, Hip-hop, and dieting
• Crafting when time permits (not often lately)

   I'm getting more excited, and trying not to be worried, because there is absolutely nothing I can do at this point to change the outcome of the match.  I just wanna get it over with, rip the bandaid off, and find out where we're going to spend the next 5-7 years of our lives!  

Exercise Endorphins

   Last week, I finally started to get serious about trying to lose weight.  I mean, I have a bridesmaid dress sitting in my closet that I need to fit into by May!  It almost zips all the way, it's just a teensy bit too tight (due to a bit of extra weight from interview feasts + holiday feasts).  I have plenty of time, and I know I can do it, so I'm not too worried.  I just need to do it.

   So anyway, last week, in addition to my usual running the puppy every other day (BF and I trade off), I finally joined this dance studio I've been stalking online for years.  I ended up going 4 times in the week, and I loved it!  I forgot how happy it makes me to dance.  And I love how concentrating on technique and the routine completely clears my mind, which is hard to do to a medical student.  So I can't wait to keep going for the next two months while I still live here.

   Last week I did really well.  I stuck to my diet, I worked out 6/7 days, and actually worked out twice in one day a few times.  I felt like a million bucks.  Then, I took a break from dieting for a day so that I could pig out enjoy Superbowl snacks, which was fine because I planned for it.  But then Monday, I think a combo of not getting enough sleep, transitional exhaustion from actually having to be on a rotation again, and the temptation of leftover Superbowl snacks in the fridge was the perfect recipe for an unplanned binge TERRIBLE diet/exercise day.  I ended up feeling like crap all Monday, Tuesday, and first half of today.  It was so hard to get back into the zone I was in last week - until I went on my puppy run.  I felt so much better afterward!  It was like an instant mood boost!  I think I may have crossed over to that point I've always heard people talk about, where you become "addicted" to exercise and feel crappy when you don't do it.  I've never been like that before!  Anyway, now that I know how much better I feel if I just get out there and DO something, it won't be as hard to drag myself to do it.

The last month has started off a little rocky...

I can't believe how good I was last month.  I ran almost 30 miles! 

Stuck In A Weird Spot

   Every now and then, I find myself stuck in a weird spot. Now is one of those times. On one hand, I feel anxious for time to pass, and to get these next few months over with. It's excruciating worrying about where we're gonna match, and it's completely out of our control at this point. I also have so many things I need to get done in the next month or two that are nagging at me constantly. I can't wait for these things to be accomplished so I can stop fretting about them. 

   On the other hand, I also want time to slow down, so that I can stay in this moment forever. The end of fourth year is so bittersweet, knowing this is gonna be the last time you spend with a lot of your classmates. And lately I've been so spoiled with fun, easy rotations that residency is gonna hurt for the first few months. I've had time to relax, exercise, re-exploring my love for dance, read books that make me happy but not smarter, and craft to my heart's content.  

   I'm confused about what I want. Regardless, time is gonna keep on passing by, and my perception of that is gonna be what it's gonna be. 

Mission Bridal Shower - Accomplished!

   And it turned out pretty well! Congrats F & C! :)