I'm about a week late, but three years ago I started this blog the day I got accepted to med school. I figured it would be a good way of documenting my experiences, so that I could look back when I'm older and say, "Ha! What the heck was I doing with my life?!" When I started it, I wasn't really sure if I would actually keep up with it, but I've surprised myself with how loyal I've been to it - and I even have 39 followers now! I mean, that sorta makes me famous, right?! Jk - 39 followers in the blogging world ain't no thang.
But it has been a lot of fun. And I really love this little medical blogger community. It's so nice to read about others' experiences, and to be constantly reminded that I'm not alone in this crazy world of medicine. The last few months, I've been in a sort of slump, but with this holiday break, I'm already starting to feel better and refreshed.
As far as my attempts at getting some feel-good therapy in the psychologists' chair, I still haven't been able to make an appointment because my lady is so booked. I'm not annoyed about it though, because I'm not anywhere near crisis-mode, and these others who are meeting her might need her attention more immediately. We were finally able to hammer down a time to meet when I get back from the holiday break, so that'll do just fine. I'm already feeling way less down-in-the-dumps since break started, but I think it will be good to just touch bases and make sure I'm taking care of my mental well-being for the rest of the third year clerkships.
Anyway, back to the blogging topic. I'm definitely happy with what I've been getting out of blogging so far, but someday I'd really love to write a book. A book about what? Well, something non-fiction, of course, but who knows. Maybe about my journey in medicine? Maybe about my future career as an OB/Gyn? Maybe about some other experience yet to be had? I'll figure it out :P
I hope everyone has a lovely and safe Christmas, New Years, and whatever other holidays you and your family celebrate!
Showing posts with label psych. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psych. Show all posts
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Light At The End Of The Tunnel
Before you start your third year of medical school, people try to tell you how hard its gonna be. And you think you know what they're talking about, but you can't possibly know until you go through it for yourself. Before this year started, I thought I understood what being a doctor would be like - but I had no idea. Its just something you can't describe until you experience it.
This last rotation has been quite hard for me. I have been on pediatrics, something that I am not at all interested in. And we've been going straight for six months without any breaks, and often not even having entire weekends. I never thought I would feel this burned out, but here I am. These last two months have been a pretty low point in my life, and its gotten to the point where I don't like who I've become. I'm bitter, irritable, unmotivated, withdrawn from family and friends, and don't even enjoy fun things I used to. I can't even pinpoint anything in particular that's made me feel this way. Its just all of it. I need a break... really bad.
The one thing that makes me feel slightly better is that:
A) I'm not alone - everyone, even the most bubbly, giddy people in my class are feeling like I am right now.
B) There is something I love in medicine - OBGyn. I loved my time on that rotation and am really looking forward to being an OBgyn resident.
C) After my shelf tomorrow morning, I have three wonderful weeks off. THREE WEEKS. I have only had four days off in the past month!
D) BF takes care of me, though he has to take care of himself too
E) Puppy is coming home in like two weeks and I CAN'T WAIT
For the longest time I was trying to ignore how down I've been, in fact that's a big reason I haven't blogged in a while, because I knew it would just be bitter rants about my days. But I finally realized that I don't have to live like this, so I tried to make an appointment with our school psychologist, however she was booked solid this week (I'm guessing everyone else is having crises around this time too?). I'll get in there soon enough haha. But yeah, I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes we all need a bit of help. And I hate how people are so hush-hush-taboo about mental health and seeing therapists. It's completely normal, and quite helpful - if you buy into it. Anyway, just wanted to share some of the things that I've been struggling with lately. And if you are a pre-med, med student, or resident out there who is struggling a bit, you aren't alone. Sometimes, we all just need a bit of a boost.
This last rotation has been quite hard for me. I have been on pediatrics, something that I am not at all interested in. And we've been going straight for six months without any breaks, and often not even having entire weekends. I never thought I would feel this burned out, but here I am. These last two months have been a pretty low point in my life, and its gotten to the point where I don't like who I've become. I'm bitter, irritable, unmotivated, withdrawn from family and friends, and don't even enjoy fun things I used to. I can't even pinpoint anything in particular that's made me feel this way. Its just all of it. I need a break... really bad.
The one thing that makes me feel slightly better is that:
A) I'm not alone - everyone, even the most bubbly, giddy people in my class are feeling like I am right now.
B) There is something I love in medicine - OBGyn. I loved my time on that rotation and am really looking forward to being an OBgyn resident.
C) After my shelf tomorrow morning, I have three wonderful weeks off. THREE WEEKS. I have only had four days off in the past month!
D) BF takes care of me, though he has to take care of himself too
E) Puppy is coming home in like two weeks and I CAN'T WAIT
For the longest time I was trying to ignore how down I've been, in fact that's a big reason I haven't blogged in a while, because I knew it would just be bitter rants about my days. But I finally realized that I don't have to live like this, so I tried to make an appointment with our school psychologist, however she was booked solid this week (I'm guessing everyone else is having crises around this time too?). I'll get in there soon enough haha. But yeah, I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes we all need a bit of help. And I hate how people are so hush-hush-taboo about mental health and seeing therapists. It's completely normal, and quite helpful - if you buy into it. Anyway, just wanted to share some of the things that I've been struggling with lately. And if you are a pre-med, med student, or resident out there who is struggling a bit, you aren't alone. Sometimes, we all just need a bit of a boost.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Getting All My "Girly-girl" Urges Out Before Surgery
Just finished my shelf exam for the psych rotation. The good news: I'm all done (pretty sure I passed). The bad news: I felt a lot of the questions were way out of left field, so I don't think I have any chance of honoring. Oh well, at least I got good evaluations! Psych was fun, and I learned a LOT about people, but I'm excited to have a break from crazy people.
Next up for me is surgery, which I'm excited for. We get a week-long "summer break" before we start, so I am going camping on the beach in Oregon again (look out for a post on that later). I am really excited because we had such a great time last year, and it will be a really nice mini-vacation. Then, later next week BF's mom is in town from the East Coast, so I'm excited to meet her! I wish we got a week off between all the rotations *sigh*.
Anyway, I am interested to see what surgery is gonna be like. I really have no idea what to expect, so I'm going in with an open mind. Since scrubbing in will require short, un-polished nails, I took the psych rotation as my last chance to have girly nails. And naturally, I had to take pics.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Well, I Guess I Can Only Go Up From Here - Outpatient Psych
When we started our rotations in the hospital this year, we were all very anxious and scared. I think one of the things I feared the most was potentially crying in front of my superiors. I am a very sensitive, emotional person, so sometimes I just can't help the waterworks. And once you get the tears flowing, they do not stop! Well, my worst fear already came true, so at least I got that out of the way!
One of the residents and I were seeing a new patient who had recently been hospitalized for psychotic symptoms. She immediately "split" my resident and I, deciding she absolutely hated me (for no reason whatsoever), and while she didn't really seem to like my resident either, she at least tolerated the resident. A lot of times with patients who exhibit personality disorders, the traits are subtle, and it takes a few appointments for the behaviors to come through. This patient, however, was SCREAMING Cluster B traits. She was extremely hostile, entitled, and shamelessly condescended me for the 15 minutes I attempted to interview her. I hung in there for a while, holding my ground and remaining calm, but she absolutely refused to talk to me because I was "too young, so don't know anything about life, and don't have the qualifications to help her." My resident realized that my attempts weren't going anywhere, so she jumped in and took over. Even after that, throughout the appointment the patient continued to be blatantly rude: smacking on and spilling her sandwich everywhere, taking out her makeup and staring at herself in her little mirror mid-sentence, and answering her phone three times during the appointment to have full-on conversations. She had absolutely no disregard for my resident or I as human beings, and even while watching the rest of the interview, I was extremely uncomfortable as she repeatedly shot dirty looks in my direction. The entire time, I just kept thinking to myself, "Is this really happening?!"
In psych, there is something we call "countertransference," which is basically the emotions that we feel as physicians towards our patients. Well, my countertransference with this patient was anger and inferiority. After the patient left, I took a deep breath, and I said, "Wow. That was extremely hard for me." My resident asked, "What part was the hardest?" And then I just burst into tears. I cried, "She was just so mean to me! She made me feel like nobody!" At that point, I feel like I became "patient" and my resident became "shrink" for a quick second. She said some things to make me feel better, reassuring me that I had done a really good job with such a difficult patient. It made me feel a little better when she told me I would do well in psychiatry because I really "feel" for my patients and am super perceptive of things most people don't pick up on. And when we returned to discussing the patient, she reminded me that if this patient's interactions were that bad in an hour-long interview, how bad must they be in the rest of her life? How unstable and turmoiled must her relationships be if this is the way she treats people? So at that point, my anger with the patient turned into sympathy. Her personality disorder(s) is the cause of all of her stressors, but she doesn't even realize it! But hopefully with therapy, she can gain insight and make changes for the better.
I've had some highs and lows on outpatient psych. Obviously, bursting into tears in front of the senior resident was a low, but I learned a lot from that patient encounter. Also, this might be counterintuitive, but I actually feel more confident after that disaster-of-an-interview, because most patient encounters from here on out will not be anything near as bad as that one. If I could handle that uncomfortableness and remain calm, I think I can do it in any other situation too. Another low point was getting goosebumps as a patient described to me how he thought about peeling people's skin off, or how he would like to rip his ex-girlfriend's body in half. There have been some high points too, though. It only takes one patient to tell me, "You're gonna be a great doctor someday!" to get me back out of a funk. When I told this sweet old lady that she would be seeing someone else at her next appointment, she told me, "You're so sweet. I'm gonna miss you and I don't even know you!" These moments make it all worthwhile.
In some ways, outpatient psych is actually harder than inpatient. Longer hours, more patients. Patients are more "normal", so it's easier to relate/connect with them, which starts to take an emotional toll on you. On inpatient psych, it's easy to feel disconnected from the patients, to watch them from a distance, so I often found myself curious, amused, and at times simply entertained. On outpatient psych, I find myself feeling much less entertained - now the patient's stories are just plain sad.
One of the residents and I were seeing a new patient who had recently been hospitalized for psychotic symptoms. She immediately "split" my resident and I, deciding she absolutely hated me (for no reason whatsoever), and while she didn't really seem to like my resident either, she at least tolerated the resident. A lot of times with patients who exhibit personality disorders, the traits are subtle, and it takes a few appointments for the behaviors to come through. This patient, however, was SCREAMING Cluster B traits. She was extremely hostile, entitled, and shamelessly condescended me for the 15 minutes I attempted to interview her. I hung in there for a while, holding my ground and remaining calm, but she absolutely refused to talk to me because I was "too young, so don't know anything about life, and don't have the qualifications to help her." My resident realized that my attempts weren't going anywhere, so she jumped in and took over. Even after that, throughout the appointment the patient continued to be blatantly rude: smacking on and spilling her sandwich everywhere, taking out her makeup and staring at herself in her little mirror mid-sentence, and answering her phone three times during the appointment to have full-on conversations. She had absolutely no disregard for my resident or I as human beings, and even while watching the rest of the interview, I was extremely uncomfortable as she repeatedly shot dirty looks in my direction. The entire time, I just kept thinking to myself, "Is this really happening?!"
In psych, there is something we call "countertransference," which is basically the emotions that we feel as physicians towards our patients. Well, my countertransference with this patient was anger and inferiority. After the patient left, I took a deep breath, and I said, "Wow. That was extremely hard for me." My resident asked, "What part was the hardest?" And then I just burst into tears. I cried, "She was just so mean to me! She made me feel like nobody!" At that point, I feel like I became "patient" and my resident became "shrink" for a quick second. She said some things to make me feel better, reassuring me that I had done a really good job with such a difficult patient. It made me feel a little better when she told me I would do well in psychiatry because I really "feel" for my patients and am super perceptive of things most people don't pick up on. And when we returned to discussing the patient, she reminded me that if this patient's interactions were that bad in an hour-long interview, how bad must they be in the rest of her life? How unstable and turmoiled must her relationships be if this is the way she treats people? So at that point, my anger with the patient turned into sympathy. Her personality disorder(s) is the cause of all of her stressors, but she doesn't even realize it! But hopefully with therapy, she can gain insight and make changes for the better.
I've had some highs and lows on outpatient psych. Obviously, bursting into tears in front of the senior resident was a low, but I learned a lot from that patient encounter. Also, this might be counterintuitive, but I actually feel more confident after that disaster-of-an-interview, because most patient encounters from here on out will not be anything near as bad as that one. If I could handle that uncomfortableness and remain calm, I think I can do it in any other situation too. Another low point was getting goosebumps as a patient described to me how he thought about peeling people's skin off, or how he would like to rip his ex-girlfriend's body in half. There have been some high points too, though. It only takes one patient to tell me, "You're gonna be a great doctor someday!" to get me back out of a funk. When I told this sweet old lady that she would be seeing someone else at her next appointment, she told me, "You're so sweet. I'm gonna miss you and I don't even know you!" These moments make it all worthwhile.
In some ways, outpatient psych is actually harder than inpatient. Longer hours, more patients. Patients are more "normal", so it's easier to relate/connect with them, which starts to take an emotional toll on you. On inpatient psych, it's easy to feel disconnected from the patients, to watch them from a distance, so I often found myself curious, amused, and at times simply entertained. On outpatient psych, I find myself feeling much less entertained - now the patient's stories are just plain sad.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Kids Are Like Little Crazy People
It's been a while since I blogged, but it's actually because I've had so much going on that I just haven't had time. I've had a lot going on though, so look out for a bunch of posts coming up! Anyway, I had a realization today, so thought I'd blog about it since everything else I want to blog about is going to take too long. I was talking with one of the residents on outpatient psych today who has a new baby and toddler. We were talking about kids, and about how there really is no "right" time to have them as a physician-in-training, and how it's do-able in med school/residency - people just make it work.
In case you don't know me very well, having kids someday is something I was completely opposed to until the last couple of years. In the last couple of years I have been considering it, finally starting to see the appeal. Anyway, she was telling me some super cute stories about her kids, and it dawned on me: kids are like mini-crazy people! The things they say and do, and the crazy imaginations they have, they are like innocent, tiny, psychotic people! And I learned REAL quick on inpatient psych how much I love crazy people. So maybe I really will enjoy having children of my own someday! :) I just thought it was a funny way of looking at kids, and it pushes me more in the direction of wanting to have some of my own someday (in the far future... lol).
On another note, BF has been working nights for OB/Gyn and I've had some long days on outpatient psych, so I haven't seen him since Wed, and I won't get to see him until Saturday afternoon. And then I only get to see him for like an hour between sleeping and his next shift. It might not seem like a big deal, but when you see each other at least every single night, it's different. I miss him :/ ... Luckily it's not permanent. But how do people do it? How the heck do people manage to keep relationships and marriages going during residency? I guess it's just something that you get used to and adjust accordingly? I guess if you have a relationship that can make it through residency, you can probably make it through just about anything!
I'm excited because BF is coming to my family's house for Thanksgiving, and I am going to his family's house in Connecticut for Christmas. It's kind of a big deal for me because I have never spent Christmas away from my parents/sister! I think it will be fun though! Apparently, they have lobster... so I like them already.
On another note, BF has been working nights for OB/Gyn and I've had some long days on outpatient psych, so I haven't seen him since Wed, and I won't get to see him until Saturday afternoon. And then I only get to see him for like an hour between sleeping and his next shift. It might not seem like a big deal, but when you see each other at least every single night, it's different. I miss him :/ ... Luckily it's not permanent. But how do people do it? How the heck do people manage to keep relationships and marriages going during residency? I guess it's just something that you get used to and adjust accordingly? I guess if you have a relationship that can make it through residency, you can probably make it through just about anything!
I'm excited because BF is coming to my family's house for Thanksgiving, and I am going to his family's house in Connecticut for Christmas. It's kind of a big deal for me because I have never spent Christmas away from my parents/sister! I think it will be fun though! Apparently, they have lobster... so I like them already.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Food Adventures In My Free Time
One of the great things about being on psych is that you get evenings and weekends off. I was lucky to be able to get Mother's Day off, so BF and I went hiking with my mom and sister. As one of my presents for my mom, I made rosemary pineapple sorbet from scratch. (And yes, I do in fact love putting rosemary in everything).
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| My beautiful mom! |
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| Me, mom, sister |
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| BF, me |
This last weekend, A (my "partner in crime") and I made a delicious fondue feast for BF and Y. It was super gluttonous, but sooooooo worth it. I don't know if you can see in the picture, but I made some delicious rosemary watermelon lemonade from scratch with my juicer. Like I said... rosemary all up in errrryyything!
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
"A Million Dollar Message Given A Nickel At A Time"
The title of this post is one of many wonderful things I took from the AA meeting I attended tonight. For our psych rotation, one of our assignments is to sit in on an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I chose one near my house (I live in the hood) because I figured it would have some really down-to-earth people. I was a little apprehensive at first, because I didn't want to "intrude". I didn't want to get there and feel super awkward as an outsider. My experience was nothing like that.
Wow. Just wow. I have never experienced anything like that in my life. In the beginning of the meeting when they asked if there were any visitors, I mustered up the courage to say my name, and that I was a medical student there to "learn a little bit about the process of recovery," to which they seemed supportive and applauded. I figured they would just go one with their usual business, telling their stories one-by-one. I was surprised that several of the members acknowledged me in their stories. Their reactions were all positive. One poked fun of my facial reaction to one of the previous stories, others looked at me and convinced me how lucky they were to be where they were today, one thought it was "neat" that I was there to learn about the process of recovery, given that the theme of the night was "what does recovery mean to you." Overall, they were such a wonderful, warm, welcoming group of people. The support they had for each other was unbelievable. I'm sure its not always this way, but tonight in particular, every single story told was just so positive and uplifting! One man told me, "When you leave here, I want you to remember the smiles and laughter you've heard tonight. If it wasn't for AA, we wouldn't be laughing." These people are an absolute inspiration.
Some of the stories especially hit close to home. A couple of members brought their kids with them to the meeting, and so some of the members touched on that topic when they spoke. One man talked about how proud his kids are to come to meetings with him, because when he is working the program, he is also being a good dad. I almost lost it. My dad is an alcoholic, and has been sober for over 30 years. He quit way before I was born, so I never saw him in his drinking days, but I am so proud of him for his sobriety. He has always been the best dad I can ever ask for, and I can thank AA for that. How wonderful is it that these people are also doing what they can to be the best parents they can be, and breaking the cycle.
What a wonderful experience. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Wow. Just wow. I have never experienced anything like that in my life. In the beginning of the meeting when they asked if there were any visitors, I mustered up the courage to say my name, and that I was a medical student there to "learn a little bit about the process of recovery," to which they seemed supportive and applauded. I figured they would just go one with their usual business, telling their stories one-by-one. I was surprised that several of the members acknowledged me in their stories. Their reactions were all positive. One poked fun of my facial reaction to one of the previous stories, others looked at me and convinced me how lucky they were to be where they were today, one thought it was "neat" that I was there to learn about the process of recovery, given that the theme of the night was "what does recovery mean to you." Overall, they were such a wonderful, warm, welcoming group of people. The support they had for each other was unbelievable. I'm sure its not always this way, but tonight in particular, every single story told was just so positive and uplifting! One man told me, "When you leave here, I want you to remember the smiles and laughter you've heard tonight. If it wasn't for AA, we wouldn't be laughing." These people are an absolute inspiration.
Some of the stories especially hit close to home. A couple of members brought their kids with them to the meeting, and so some of the members touched on that topic when they spoke. One man talked about how proud his kids are to come to meetings with him, because when he is working the program, he is also being a good dad. I almost lost it. My dad is an alcoholic, and has been sober for over 30 years. He quit way before I was born, so I never saw him in his drinking days, but I am so proud of him for his sobriety. He has always been the best dad I can ever ask for, and I can thank AA for that. How wonderful is it that these people are also doing what they can to be the best parents they can be, and breaking the cycle.
What a wonderful experience. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Looney Bin Chronicles Part 3
So I'm not quite in as much as a funk as I was the other week, but I think I can pretty safely say that I can't do inpatient psych as a career. As much as I love interacting with the fascinating patients and am extremely entertained by them, most of their stories just make me feel so sad and helpless. I have a lot of respect for the people who do end up going into inpatient psych, because the victories with the patients' treatment are far and few between, and personally, I think I need validation on a more constant basis. If I went into psych, I could see asking myself in ten years, after a really tough day, "why am I even doing this?!"
Also, I've found that being around people with so many emotional issues makes me think about my own personal issues a lot. I tend to use the "suppression" defense mechanism often in dealing with things, so the constant prompting to think about things is annoying.
The other day I almost messed up big time, but got lucky. Extremely lucky... Since I work in a locked facility, you need a key to get through almost every door. I had mine attached to my ID badge. I used it to get out of the medical offices, and somehow, it fell off my badge in the 15 feet I walked to the nurses' station. I noticed it was missing in the next minute when I tried to get out of the nursing station door to go back to the office, and my stomach dropped. Last week, one of the patients escaped when they found an ID badge that someone had dropped. (Funny enough, that patient returned to the psych ward on their own accord later that day, and when they weren't recognized as a patient, begged to the security guard, "Let me in!") Would another patient escape because of me?! Did I just let someone dangerous loose into the outside world?!
I frantically told one of the attendings that I lost my key in the last minute, and just as we began to retrace my steps, one of the other med students comes walking into the nurses' station holding my key up to see whose it is. Apparently, the patient that assaulted a staff lady a few weeks ago found the key and brought it to the other medical student. My classmate's first instinctual reaction was to stay away from that patient, so he said, "Oh no, that's not mine." But then he realized that patients, especially that patient, shouldn't have keys, so he took it.
Let's just say I got extremely lucky. And what does it say about that patient's state of mind that he didn't even try to escape? Maybe he likes it here?
Also, I've found that being around people with so many emotional issues makes me think about my own personal issues a lot. I tend to use the "suppression" defense mechanism often in dealing with things, so the constant prompting to think about things is annoying.
The other day I almost messed up big time, but got lucky. Extremely lucky... Since I work in a locked facility, you need a key to get through almost every door. I had mine attached to my ID badge. I used it to get out of the medical offices, and somehow, it fell off my badge in the 15 feet I walked to the nurses' station. I noticed it was missing in the next minute when I tried to get out of the nursing station door to go back to the office, and my stomach dropped. Last week, one of the patients escaped when they found an ID badge that someone had dropped. (Funny enough, that patient returned to the psych ward on their own accord later that day, and when they weren't recognized as a patient, begged to the security guard, "Let me in!") Would another patient escape because of me?! Did I just let someone dangerous loose into the outside world?!
I frantically told one of the attendings that I lost my key in the last minute, and just as we began to retrace my steps, one of the other med students comes walking into the nurses' station holding my key up to see whose it is. Apparently, the patient that assaulted a staff lady a few weeks ago found the key and brought it to the other medical student. My classmate's first instinctual reaction was to stay away from that patient, so he said, "Oh no, that's not mine." But then he realized that patients, especially that patient, shouldn't have keys, so he took it.
Let's just say I got extremely lucky. And what does it say about that patient's state of mind that he didn't even try to escape? Maybe he likes it here?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
My Very First Psych Patient
*Disclaimer - Identifying patient information has been changed to comply with HIPAA*
The other day, I had to say a very bittersweet goodbye to my very first psych patient. Let's call her "H" for the purposes of this post. One of the first days I started on the inpatient psych ward, I took H on as my first patient. H was a great patient to start on, because she was euphoric, expansive, and delusional... which translates to fun, not scary, and entertaining, in my opinion. H was a textbook example of mania, complete with grandiose delusions that she was a doctor, oceanographer, pilot in the army, etc. H would pace the halls, and every time I would encounter her, she would get all excited, smile and start rapidly indulging in one of her many delusions. On several occasions, H told me she was born blind at birth, all the while making super intense eye-contact with me. Each day she would decide she was a different race; that's something you can just pick and choose, right?!
H took a special liking to me, if I do say so myself, and would tell me she loved me every day. She also told me that she was getting married (not true), and excitedly invited me to the wedding, however told another staff member who made her mad that they were uninvited. One day, H told me that she was Lady Diana, and that I could have her inheritance (how generous!). The last couple of days of working with her, she kept insisting that I should get more diamond earrings, and even said she was "going to the diamond store when she got out, to check if I got them."
When the resident and I spoke with H on her last day, she told us, "You two are my favorite doctors, and you take real good care of me. Can I take you with me?" She said she would never forget me, and left me with a very special parting gift (see picture below). Her very last words to me were, "Wait, can I tell you something? Merry Christmas, and a happy new year!" and then she burst into laughter.
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| "Fire away that is you best shot" When I asked what it meant, she said, "it means I love you." |
Monday, May 14, 2012
Looney Bin Chronicles Part 2
I don't think I'm cut out for this. I'm just too sensitive. I think for the first two weeks of inpatient psych, I managed to disconnect myself enough, and not deal with all the things I'd been seeing. But I think it's finally caught up with me. I think I've been subconsciously internalizing everything, because even though on the very surface I feel fine, I can now feel that deep down, I'm in a funk. The last couple of nights I haven't been sleeping as well as I usually do. I keep having dreams about my patients, and about the residents and other members of the team. And I keep waking up, feeling like I can't breathe, or feeling restless/ uncomfortable and having to change positions. Even though the hours aren't that bad, I find myself feeling utterly exhausted every single day.
Today was the first day my stress really has started to bubble up so that I can't really ignore it. The patient that assaulted a staff member the other day is back on the floors of the ward, free to roam around. And he just walks around and smiles creepily, and tends to linger by a door that I have to go through often. I am absolutely terrified of him now. At one point, I had to walk by him, so I frantically jiggled my key in the lock to escape out into the hall, and when I got back to the med student office, I couldn't stop shaking. I also just feel like I want to throw up all the time, which is how I get when I get really stressed.
I still find the patients incredibly fascinating, but psych is just putting me in such a funk. I'm terrified of half of the patients, and even the ones who aren't scary have sad lives that can't be fixed. It just makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do.
Today was the first day my stress really has started to bubble up so that I can't really ignore it. The patient that assaulted a staff member the other day is back on the floors of the ward, free to roam around. And he just walks around and smiles creepily, and tends to linger by a door that I have to go through often. I am absolutely terrified of him now. At one point, I had to walk by him, so I frantically jiggled my key in the lock to escape out into the hall, and when I got back to the med student office, I couldn't stop shaking. I also just feel like I want to throw up all the time, which is how I get when I get really stressed.
I still find the patients incredibly fascinating, but psych is just putting me in such a funk. I'm terrified of half of the patients, and even the ones who aren't scary have sad lives that can't be fixed. It just makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Looney Bin Chronicles Part 1
Done with my second week of my psych inpatient rotation, and I'm loving it. I still have two weeks more to go after this, but I'm really enjoying it. The people at this facility are SO CRAZY, and I find myself so fascinated and entertained by them! I get such a kick out of some of the things they say, and it's so interesting to observe them pacing around, talking to walls, staring at you wherever you go, etc. I also love that they are here all day, so you can pop in and talk to them anytime you want for as long as you want.
I've found that I have to really watch my countertransference with some patients. Obviously, I love talking with manic patients. Their euphoric, I-love-everything attitude is contagious, and puts me in a great mood. And it doesn't hurt that they often compliment you over and over - hello, who doesn't want to listen to that all day?! I also like talking with the depressed patients too, but I always feel kinda bummed out after. And I've found that it can be frustrating talking to them, because they can be so pessimistic about everything, and I know it's because they are sick, but it gets frustrating after a while.
The first couple of days out on the floor were scary, especially because one of the residents got punched in the neck by an old lady on the first day. But I was starting to get used to walking around, and getting a little more comfortable with random patients coming up to me, but today changed that. Today, during rounds, a "code green" was called. A "code green" is for "behavioral emergencies", like when a patient gets aggressive/assaultive with staff or other patients. So all the staff/physicians hurried out of our meeting room, and we walked out to the floor where about 6 staff members were holding down a patient on the floor. The physicians/med students are just supposed to stand around, and the presence of a lot of people is supposed to intimidate the patient, encouraging them to back down. Apparently, what had happened was a patient unexpectedly reached over the counter of the nurses' station, and punched a lady on staff in the face! I felt so bad for the poor lady. I wanted to cry! The patient was put into seclusion for the rest of the day, and now I am back to being scared of most of the patients, haha.
One thing that is pretty nice, is that we have our own little med student office. I mean, it's nothing fancy. There are four of us crammed into this little closet, but it's our own safe space, and it's nice to have. One of my fellow med students brought in a bunch of posters, and we all bring snacks in and put them on the "community snack chair". Although, I'll admit I bring snacks mainly to get them out of my house so I won't eat them all, but hey, I'm still sharing! And then all the residents come over to our room to steal snacks :P, which I think is funny.
I've found that I have to really watch my countertransference with some patients. Obviously, I love talking with manic patients. Their euphoric, I-love-everything attitude is contagious, and puts me in a great mood. And it doesn't hurt that they often compliment you over and over - hello, who doesn't want to listen to that all day?! I also like talking with the depressed patients too, but I always feel kinda bummed out after. And I've found that it can be frustrating talking to them, because they can be so pessimistic about everything, and I know it's because they are sick, but it gets frustrating after a while.
The first couple of days out on the floor were scary, especially because one of the residents got punched in the neck by an old lady on the first day. But I was starting to get used to walking around, and getting a little more comfortable with random patients coming up to me, but today changed that. Today, during rounds, a "code green" was called. A "code green" is for "behavioral emergencies", like when a patient gets aggressive/assaultive with staff or other patients. So all the staff/physicians hurried out of our meeting room, and we walked out to the floor where about 6 staff members were holding down a patient on the floor. The physicians/med students are just supposed to stand around, and the presence of a lot of people is supposed to intimidate the patient, encouraging them to back down. Apparently, what had happened was a patient unexpectedly reached over the counter of the nurses' station, and punched a lady on staff in the face! I felt so bad for the poor lady. I wanted to cry! The patient was put into seclusion for the rest of the day, and now I am back to being scared of most of the patients, haha.
One thing that is pretty nice, is that we have our own little med student office. I mean, it's nothing fancy. There are four of us crammed into this little closet, but it's our own safe space, and it's nice to have. One of my fellow med students brought in a bunch of posters, and we all bring snacks in and put them on the "community snack chair". Although, I'll admit I bring snacks mainly to get them out of my house so I won't eat them all, but hey, I'm still sharing! And then all the residents come over to our room to steal snacks :P, which I think is funny.
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| Community snack chair |
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| Yep, I brought my lol-cats calendar for my desk |
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The Trader Joe's Parking Lot Might Send People To Anger Management
The other day I almost lost my shit in the Trader Joe's parking lot.
Let's back track a little bit. First, let me tell you what the Trader Joe's parking lot is like. It's WAY too small, and poorly designed, so there are never enough spaces and everyone is in eachother's way. And I don't know what it is about the people that shop there, but even when they see 6 cars waiting in line for a parking spot, they take their sweet time putting their groceries in their trunk.
Now I'll tell you a little about myself (in case you don't already know me). I am a very easy-going person. I rarely get mad, and I usually don't even get that mad when I do. When things upset me, I am much more likely to get sad than mad.
So the other day, I'm waiting for a parking spot in a long line of cars, and finally it's my turn to get my spot. And just as I'm waiting WITH MY BLINKER ON for another car to pass by before I can pull in, some idiot comes into the parking lot through the exit. I see exactly what he is planning on doing, so I honk to say "hey buddy, I've actually been waiting for that spot!" But he just ignores me and pulls right into it. Are you kidding me?! Look dude, I don't like waiting for a spot either, but THERE IS A LINE OF CARS HERE!
Since my spot was taken, I had to start all over again and go to the front of the parking lot, so I couldn't say anything to him right then. But I looked to see what he was wearing, so I could say something to him in the store. I was just so angry! Normally, when something like that happens, I'm just like, "Meh, that person is a douche! Moving on!" But this time, I was literally shaking because I was so angry. I knew in my head that it wasn't that big of a deal; I don't know what came over me!
So when I found him in the store, I walked over to where he was, and I tried to think of something good to say that would put him in his place, but I realized there was really nothing I could say besides, "Hey, that was rude", which wouldn't really get me anywhere. So I decided, since I didn't have anything good to say, I wouldn't say anything at all. And at first, I was disappointed in myself, because I felt like I was being passive-aggressive, and not standing up for myself. But after talking about it and thinking about it more, I realized that it was probably best that I didn't say anything, because it probably wouldn't have solved anything.
I really surprised myself though. I can't even remember the last time I got that angry: so angry that I shook. Who knows, maybe I was really upset about something on some unconscious level, and so my conscious took it out on something trivial.
Let's back track a little bit. First, let me tell you what the Trader Joe's parking lot is like. It's WAY too small, and poorly designed, so there are never enough spaces and everyone is in eachother's way. And I don't know what it is about the people that shop there, but even when they see 6 cars waiting in line for a parking spot, they take their sweet time putting their groceries in their trunk.
Now I'll tell you a little about myself (in case you don't already know me). I am a very easy-going person. I rarely get mad, and I usually don't even get that mad when I do. When things upset me, I am much more likely to get sad than mad.
So the other day, I'm waiting for a parking spot in a long line of cars, and finally it's my turn to get my spot. And just as I'm waiting WITH MY BLINKER ON for another car to pass by before I can pull in, some idiot comes into the parking lot through the exit. I see exactly what he is planning on doing, so I honk to say "hey buddy, I've actually been waiting for that spot!" But he just ignores me and pulls right into it. Are you kidding me?! Look dude, I don't like waiting for a spot either, but THERE IS A LINE OF CARS HERE!
Since my spot was taken, I had to start all over again and go to the front of the parking lot, so I couldn't say anything to him right then. But I looked to see what he was wearing, so I could say something to him in the store. I was just so angry! Normally, when something like that happens, I'm just like, "Meh, that person is a douche! Moving on!" But this time, I was literally shaking because I was so angry. I knew in my head that it wasn't that big of a deal; I don't know what came over me!
So when I found him in the store, I walked over to where he was, and I tried to think of something good to say that would put him in his place, but I realized there was really nothing I could say besides, "Hey, that was rude", which wouldn't really get me anywhere. So I decided, since I didn't have anything good to say, I wouldn't say anything at all. And at first, I was disappointed in myself, because I felt like I was being passive-aggressive, and not standing up for myself. But after talking about it and thinking about it more, I realized that it was probably best that I didn't say anything, because it probably wouldn't have solved anything.
I really surprised myself though. I can't even remember the last time I got that angry: so angry that I shook. Who knows, maybe I was really upset about something on some unconscious level, and so my conscious took it out on something trivial.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
You Can Check In Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave
Today was the first real day of my third year of medical school. I started on my psychiatry rotation, and for the first four weeks, I am at a "locked up" facility. Basically, that means the patients are held there involuntarily, so they have pretty serious mental illnesses. I wasn't really nervous until yesterday, when they gave us training on how to escape choke-holds and what to do if patients try to rip our hair out/bite us/etc. Needless to say, I decided to wear my hair up!
I'm not going to lie, it's pretty scary walking down the halls. The patients are allowed to wander about and go where they wish, and as you walk down the halls, they stare at you, follow you, laugh creepily, etc. I felt like I was in a movie or something. It's pretty intense, but I absolutely love it so far. I think the patients are so fascinating, and I really enjoy interacting with them. Our offices have windows looking out to the courtyard in the middle of the facility, where patients are allowed supervised "outside time". I found it a bit comical that its like watching fish in a fish bowl. You have to be careful not to stare though, because they can see you through the windows!
The one thing that frustrated me a little was that I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be doing day to day. I've heard that is the theme of third year. I think that is something I'm really going to struggle with on my clerkships. I am the kind of person who likes a little hand holding, and to be straight-out told what to do and when to do it. I'll do anything I'm told, I don't mind! But I hate when I have to try and figure out what I am supposed to be doing, especially when I am unclear what my role is as an MS3 on the team. Unfortunately, it's a little different for each rotation and each site, so I can see myself struggling with this all year. So that is stressing me out a little bit. I think part of it is that I just want to do well, and right now, I don't really know what I have to do in order to do that. I suppose I'll figure it out, everyone does.
I'm not going to lie, it's pretty scary walking down the halls. The patients are allowed to wander about and go where they wish, and as you walk down the halls, they stare at you, follow you, laugh creepily, etc. I felt like I was in a movie or something. It's pretty intense, but I absolutely love it so far. I think the patients are so fascinating, and I really enjoy interacting with them. Our offices have windows looking out to the courtyard in the middle of the facility, where patients are allowed supervised "outside time". I found it a bit comical that its like watching fish in a fish bowl. You have to be careful not to stare though, because they can see you through the windows!
The one thing that frustrated me a little was that I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to be doing day to day. I've heard that is the theme of third year. I think that is something I'm really going to struggle with on my clerkships. I am the kind of person who likes a little hand holding, and to be straight-out told what to do and when to do it. I'll do anything I'm told, I don't mind! But I hate when I have to try and figure out what I am supposed to be doing, especially when I am unclear what my role is as an MS3 on the team. Unfortunately, it's a little different for each rotation and each site, so I can see myself struggling with this all year. So that is stressing me out a little bit. I think part of it is that I just want to do well, and right now, I don't really know what I have to do in order to do that. I suppose I'll figure it out, everyone does.
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