I don't think I'm cut out for this. I'm just too sensitive. I think for the first two weeks of inpatient psych, I managed to disconnect myself enough, and not deal with all the things I'd been seeing. But I think it's finally caught up with me. I think I've been subconsciously internalizing everything, because even though on the very surface I feel fine, I can now feel that deep down, I'm in a funk. The last couple of nights I haven't been sleeping as well as I usually do. I keep having dreams about my patients, and about the residents and other members of the team. And I keep waking up, feeling like I can't breathe, or feeling restless/ uncomfortable and having to change positions. Even though the hours aren't that bad, I find myself feeling utterly exhausted every single day.
Today was the first day my stress really has started to bubble up so that I can't really ignore it. The patient that assaulted a staff member the other day is back on the floors of the ward, free to roam around. And he just walks around and smiles creepily, and tends to linger by a door that I have to go through often. I am absolutely terrified of him now. At one point, I had to walk by him, so I frantically jiggled my key in the lock to escape out into the hall, and when I got back to the med student office, I couldn't stop shaking. I also just feel like I want to throw up all the time, which is how I get when I get really stressed.
I still find the patients incredibly fascinating, but psych is just putting me in such a funk. I'm terrified of half of the patients, and even the ones who aren't scary have sad lives that can't be fixed. It just makes me want to cry because I don't know what else to do.