A Change Of Pace

   On Friday we took the last test of our last rotation of third year.  That's right, we're officially done with third year.  The end was pretty anticlimactic, considering how long I had waited for it to be over.  The Internal Medicine shelf was really hard, so I'm not really sure what my final clerkship grade will be, but I'm almost positive I passed.  We spent the weekend celebrating with classmates and finally getting to those "lifey" things we've been putting off for months.  We finally put in our garden for 2013, which I'm particularly jazzed about.

DIY succulent garden (inspired by pinterest) 

African daisies

Pink carnations (had to represent G Phi up in my garden)

Hydrangeas 

Napping puppy - oops, that's not part of the garden!

   Anyway, the weekend was really nice, and I feel like I got a bit of my "lazy" out, but tomorrow will entail a very different change of pace.  Tomorrow begins my very short study period for Step 2 CK.  Yes, I am freaking out about how few days I have to prepare for the big test, but I'm just going to keep pushing a little bit longer, and then have a real vacation after the test.  Funny enough, I think it will actually be nice to just study all the time for a change.  I won't have to try to impress anyone, and I can be on my own schedule and decide when I wake up, eat, sleep, etc.  

   In addition to my study crunch for the next couple of weeks, I have decided that I'm also going to use this time to lose some weight.  I was pretty healthy in the beginning of the year, but in the last month, Internal Medicine left me feeling exhausted, drained, and anxious - which is the perfect recipe for triggering stress eating.  So I've crept up on my weight again... But it's nothing I can't fix with a few weeks of diet and exercise, which I'm actually looking forward to.  So here goes!  Tomorrow is day one of working hard for a couple of weeks, but this hard work will definitely be rewarding in the end.  

Finally!

   I think I finally won over one of my OB/Gyn advisors.  If you recall, many months ago, I met him and had bit of a reality slap, finding out that I had much work to do to make myself a more competitive residency candidate.  Well, a couple of meetings and many months later, I pitched him my research proposal, and he loved it!  He was really impressed with my ideas, and is really excited about them.  I'm actually glad he pushed me to do my own research project, because I am really excited about it now.  I came up with an idea all on my own, and I'm going to see it through, start to finish.  And at the end of fourth year, I'll have created an entire research project on my own!  I'll probably blog more about the details of it later.

   In addition, I'm also working with one of the residents on a separate project, so now I'm working on not one - but TWO - research projects.  Who am I?! I would have never thought I'd be doing this, but I'm enjoying it so far, and I think it will feel really rewarding at the end, when I can say, "I did that!"

   Anyway, it seems like a small thing to get excited about, but I was feeling particularly happy about the fact that I ended up impressing someone who didn't seem to think much of me before.



   In other news, we have one week left of our third year.  One week.  I don't know how it went by so fast, maybe because I was buried in the hospital for a year, but I'm finally almost an MS4.  It's really sad, but I'm actually looking forward to studying for Step 2CK, because it means I can wake up when I want, set my own schedule, not have to worry about impressing anyone, and just do my thang.  This is so the opposite of how I felt after taking Step 1 haha.

In Medicine, We Sacrifice A Lot

 These last couple of years, we've heard over and over, when you go into medicine, you sacrifice so much.  I knew I'd have to sacrifice things, miss out on fun activities, delay important life milestones, and neglect relationships.  But man, we really do give up a lot.  It's hard to grasp it until you find yourself with no time, no patience, and no sympathy for others, even your loved ones.  My grandma just got discharged from the hospital for a UTI, but she is still delirious, and we're starting to worry if she's gonna get back to her mental baseline.  This issue is bringing up a lot of family drama, about who is gonna take care of her, what will we do for her, what can we do for her, and all I can think about is how I just can't.  I just can't deal with these things.  I don't have time, I don't have energy, I don't have the patience, the sympathy, the strength.  I just can't.

  I'm just gonna have to be selfish on this one, and stay out of it, let everyone else figure it out, and keep my head above water.  I can't afford to get involved, to be supportive, or to lend my time and energy, because sadly, I'm barely scraping by with what little I've got.  I'm just gonna do what I've gotten really good at this year, and remain numb.  Numb and selfish.  God I hope this version of me doesn't last forever.

   I guess the best way I can be helpful, but still keep my own head above water, is to support my parents while they help figure out this whole family crisis mess.  I can do that.

My friend L recently posted about third year in med school, and how it changes us.  And I really enjoyed it, because she perfectly explained exactly how I feel.

One Month Until Fourth Year

   Yeah, I am still alive.  I've just lost track of time in the always-changing flip-flop sleep schedule that is Q4.  I am writing during the wee hours of my last overnight call in Internal Medicine.  Everyone said this rotation would go by fast, and shit - I believe it.  After this shift, I switch over to Kaiser for one more month of Internal Medicine, and then we officially start our 4th year!  This last month has been pretty darn busy with scheduling 4th year, long hours on IM wards, and trying to get some studying done.  Unfortunately, this rotation is so exhausting, I hardly have energy to study during the few hours I get off here and there.  Hopefully I didn't screw myself with my grand plans of only taking 2.5 weeks to study for Step 2 CK. 

   This last month has had its good notes and bad notes.  I'm enjoying the learning, and I continue to be humbled on how much there is to know.  I'm enjoying the patients, especially the characters.  In terms of my team dynamic, well, let's just say there is something to be desired.  We have an attending who loves to feel smart, so makes everyone else feel stupid in the process.  She is extremely unessecarily nit-picky and critical of everyone and everything, however, her criticisms have actually allowed me to realize how far I've come over this year.  For example, she was critiquing me on my lung percussion technique, which by the way, a cardiologist had just complimented me on a week earlier, and condescendingly ended with, "Sweetie, just practice your technique, ok?"  If this were to happen earlier in the year, I probably would have been very upset, felt inadequate, and doubted my abilities.  But when she told me this, I just laughed it off to myself, knowing that I was happy with my technique, and that I wasn't just being arrogant, because a cardiologist had commended me on my it a week prior. 

   I can't believe we only have one month left of third year.  I've pretty much been waiting for this year to be over after finishing OB/Gyn, so I'm really happy to be moving on to 4th year.  Looking back, I can't believe how far I've come this year, in so many different aspects.  It's absolutely incredible how much knowledge you pick up in one year on the wards, so much more than you ever could in any books.  I am so happy with how much I've improved with my histories, physicals, note writing, and presentations, though I obviously still have room to continue to improve.  What I'm most proud of though, is how much confidence I've grown.  I started this year out as a thin-skinned, self-doubting, unsure-of-myself med student.  I end this year as a medical student who knows her strengths, is confident in her abilities, and has a much MUCH thicker skin.  Now that I've developed a thicker skin to deal with all of the constant criticism, I fear that my thicker skin will hinder me from empathizing with my patients.  I don't ever want to lose the ability to connect with people, and I fear that it has already begun because I've become so accustomed to keeping my walls up.  Maybe further on in my career, when I'm no longer under so much scrutiny so often, I can strike a balance between thick and thin skin.  Maybe a semi-permeable skin, if you will?

   Maybe the fact that it's 3AM is making me all loopy.  Who knows. 

   Anyway, while scheduling 4th year has been stressful, I am really happy with the way things are turning out.  There are still a few minor adjustments that need to be made to my schedule, but I am really excited about my upcoming year.  So far, my schedule looks like this:

• Step 2 CK, 1 week vacation
• SICU
• Step 2CS, 1 week vacation (annual Oregon camping trip!)
• Gyn Onc
• ED Ultrasound
• Anesthesia
• Abdominal radiology
• Random 2 week vacation in October
• ED
• Month off for interviews
• Christmas Break
• Inpatient Psych
• Perioperative Medicine Special Studies Module
• Family Planning
• MATCH
• Spring OFF - vacation to Tahiti + (insert another amazing destination here?) with BF!
• Graduation!

I Like Adults So Much More Than Children

   I'm nearing the end of my first week on Internal Medicine, and I actually really enjoy it!  So far, I'm really having a fun time, and the patients are really interesting.  I have a lot to learn, but I'm really enjoying the process.  The Q4 schedule (overnight call every 4 days with regular days in between) is a little rough, but it also give you random time off, so that's nice.
   Yesterday, I did a MOCA on one of my old patients, and because he is a bit demented, he really struggled on it.  I just told him, "Oh, don't worry.  Just try your best!  These tests are a bit tricky!" After getting through the cognitive assessment with some frustration on his part, (and just to give you an idea of how bad he struggled - he scored a 14/30 after spending an hour doing it), I told him, "Thanks for being so patient with me!  That's it for now!"  And he replied, "Oh, you know, that was actually pretty fun.  It gets kinda boring sitting in the hospital so it was nice to have someone here."  Man, I love old people.




   Also, as an aside.  This is a thought I've had for a little while, but keep forgetting to blog about.  One of my big pet peeves is when residents/attendings are in the middle of talking to/listening to patients, and their pager goes off, and they rudely stop everything to read their pager.  I completely understand that we have to answer our pages in a timely manner, but it's so much more polite to just take two seconds to say, "Oh, please excuse me.  I just have to read this really quick."  I've seen people in the middle of a serious heart-to-heart convo with a patient, and all of a sudden BEEP BEEP BEEP! And they completely ignore the patient sobbing in front of them as they read their pager and fidget with it.  And then a minute later, they look back up at the patient and say, "Sorry, what did you say?"  That is so rude.  Just excuse yourself, so the patient knows that you still want to listen to them, and this page isn't more important than what they're saying, necessarily.

Try Not To Blink, Everything Will Pass You By

   How is it already March?!  I feel like just yesterday I was finishing up with the winter holiday break and starting out of my Primary Care rotation.  The last two months of Primary Care just flew by.  Overall, primary care was okay.  I liked the hours, and I loved getting to know some of the patients, especially the old sassy ones.  What I didn't really care for were the types of problems that the patients come in for: musculoskeletal aches and pains, coughs/colds, etc just doesn't really tickle my fancy.  I did, however, get really jazzed when a woman would come in with OB/Gyn-related issues.  At one point, I knew more than my attending did about contraception, and that patient really looked to me and trusted my input.  I also didn't care for the pace.  It seemed to me that the attendings and residents moved SO SLOW in clinic.  And a lot of the day was spent waiting for patients to show up - and then they would be super late and throw off the whole day's schedule.
   I can't believe that we only have one more rotation of third year.  I am so ready to be done with third year.  I'm so tired of being evaluated 24/7 by tons of different people, who seem to have been given a script of feedback to give.  "You did a great job, you're right where you should be. Just keep doing what you're doing.  No, I can't really think of anything that you can work on" = pass.  It's just annoying to me because I'm doing much better work clinically than I was in the beginning of the year, but I'm more tired and burned out, so I'm just not as bubbly and gung-ho about everything, and it seems like those qualities are more important in our evaluations.  On the bright side, I feel really good about the fact that I have come a long ways over this year.  I have picked up so much knowledge about taking care of patients, I have become a lot more efficient, and I think I am pretty competent at H&Ps.  What I'm most proud about, is how much more confident I have become over the year in several aspects.  I'm no longer afraid of attendings or residents.  I feel comfortable expressing my opinion and demonstrating my skills.  I am so much more comfortable with patient interactions now.  I have even gotten to the point where I start counseling and introduce some of my thoughts about the assessment and plan to the patient before even discussing it with anyone (only if I'm pretty sure I know what's going on, of course).  So regardless of what my evaluations have been saying lately, I know I've improved drastically over this year, and I'm very happy with where I'm at now.  I can't wait to continue improving and learning, too.

   Things have been extremely busy lately, and it seems like everything is gearing up in my life right now.  Primary Care had a ton of projects and assignments to fill up our free time.  The research I'm working on with one of the OB/Gyn residents just got IRB approved, so that's gonna start taking off.  MIRTH is next week, so I've been working with some classmates to pull that together.  I submitted an application to go to a special leadership conference for MSFC in May (I really hope I get it!).  There are a bunch of other things going on too, and third year is almost over, so we're planning and scheduling our fourth year, which is stressful but super exciting!  I've already scheduled my USMLE Step 2 CK and CS dates.

   So this weekend is a nice chance to "relax" before my next, and last, rotation of third year: Internal Medicine.  It's gonna be rough, I already know.  But my plan is to just hit it hard, and study really hard during it - that way I'm ready to take Step 2 CK a couple of weeks after it's done.  This weekend is also going to be half dedicated to "get my shit together" before getting cozy living under my rock for the next two months.

Medical Mondays Blog Hop!

   Hey everyone!  Welcome! It's that time again - time to explore more medical-related blogs.  Head on over to Your Doctor's Wife to check out all the bloggers that linked up!

   So the other day, I was working with an attending in primary care, and like many attendings do, he asked me, "So, have you decided what you don't wanna go into?"  I have never heard it asked that way before, and I thought it was an odd twist on the typical, "What specialty are you interested in?" that most attendings/residents ask us malleable med students.  If you are new to my blog, then you probably don't know: I am super gung-ho about OB/Gyn.  So when he asked me that question, I politely answered, "Well, I guess (I don't want to go into) anything other than OB/Gyn."  Then he went on to scoff about how "self-assured" of me it was to say that.  Dude, you asked!

   That set the tone for the rest of the conversation.  We happened to be working with a lot of geriatric patients that day, so he goes on to talk about one of his colleagues, and how old she was when she had her baby, so maybe I'll work with geriatric patients at times.  I felt bad for one of the female residents who then awkwardly admits, "Oh, I'm 39 and I'd still like to have a child." He then proceeded to go off on some awkward mommy-issue-rooted rant about how women shouldn't have children any later than 40: because then "they don't get to spend any time with their kids or grandkids because they die too soon." He talked about how his mom died when he was 29, so "she missed out on my life and meeting her grandkids."  Then he boasted about how his wife had their youngest child when she was 37 because of this very issue.  

   I think it's really easy to determine how women should or should not raise families when you are a man, because you totally know what you're talking about, and you totally know from experience.  What particularly pissed me off was the fact that he shut down that poor female resident with his stupid rant.  If he would have taken time to actually listen to her, he would have realized that she has been married for many years, has been busy pursuing a career in medicine, so in attempt to be responsible has been waiting, and finally is ready to have kids.  He would have heard that she actually has been trying to get pregnant for a few years now, but it doesn't happen overnight.  

   I've gotten to the point this year where I'm tired of getting walked all over every day as a med student, and then getting graded on how well you lie on the floor after being walked on.  So I decided to say something to this attending, because he was out of line.  I said, "You know, unfortunately these days, if you want to pursue a challenging career, especially one in medicine, many women choose to put that part of their life on hold, and end up having to have children later."  It wasn't a profound statement by any means, but he looked sort of dumbfounded, and then realized his audience - and shut up.  

Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot, And Never Brought To Mind

(I'm a couple of days late with this - better late than never!)


   Despite what ancient Mayans' calendars may have predicted, 2012 has come and gone (and the world is still here).  This year was one with many changes, full of progress, but with little time for recharge.  When I look back at where I was in the beginning of this year compared to where I am now - mentally, intellectually, romantically, socially - my, how things have changed!

The year I performed at the Wine Auction

The year I passed USMLE Step 1

The year I went to Peru with J

The year  I delivered my first baby (and second!)

The year my friends came up from LA to surprise me for my birthday

The year Yolanda died, and I bought my Volvo

The year we went camping in Oregon... again

The year I fell head-over-heels in love and became attached at the hip after the 3rd date

The year I moved in with my BF

The year my sister graduated high school and started college

The year I discovered HONEY BOO BOO

The year BF turned dirty thirty!

The year I adopted another kitty

The year BF and I got a puppy

The year I went to Connecticut for Christmas

The year I visited high school friends in NYC

   And much, much more.  So here's to 2012!  I'm glad the world didn't end :P ... too much good stuff goin' on!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel

   Before you start your third year of medical school, people try to tell you how hard its gonna be.  And you think you know what they're talking about, but you can't possibly know until you go through it for yourself.  Before this year started, I thought I understood what being a doctor would be like - but I had no idea.  Its just something you can't describe until you experience it.

   This last rotation has been quite hard for me.  I have been on pediatrics, something that I am not at all interested in.  And we've been going straight for six months without any breaks, and often not even having entire weekends.  I never thought I would feel this burned out, but here I am.  These last two months have been a pretty low point in my life, and its gotten to the point where I don't like who I've become.  I'm bitter, irritable, unmotivated, withdrawn from family and friends, and don't even enjoy fun things I used to.  I can't even pinpoint anything in particular that's made me feel this way.  Its just all of it.  I need a break... really bad.

   The one thing that makes me feel slightly better is that:
A) I'm not alone - everyone, even the most bubbly, giddy people in my class are feeling like I am right now.
B) There is something I love in medicine - OBGyn.  I loved my time on that rotation and am really looking forward to being an OBgyn resident.
C) After my shelf tomorrow morning, I have three wonderful weeks off.  THREE WEEKS.  I have only had four days off in the past month!
D) BF takes care of me, though he has to take care of himself too
E) Puppy is coming home in like two weeks and I CAN'T WAIT

   For the longest time I was trying to ignore how down I've been, in fact that's a big reason I haven't blogged in a while, because I knew it would just be bitter rants about my days.  But I finally realized that I don't have to live like this, so I tried to make an appointment with our school psychologist, however she was booked solid this week (I'm guessing everyone else is having crises around this time too?).  I'll get in there soon enough haha.  But yeah, I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes we all need a bit of help.  And I hate how people are so hush-hush-taboo about mental health and seeing therapists.  It's completely normal, and quite helpful - if you buy into it.  Anyway, just wanted to share some of the things that I've been struggling with lately.  And if you are a pre-med, med student, or resident out there who is struggling a bit, you aren't alone.  Sometimes, we all just need a bit of a boost.

 

Okay, I'll Try To Stop Being Such a Brat Now

  So I've done a little attitude adjustment since my last post.  I realize I was kinda in a bratty mood when I posted that... Peds isn't that bad, it's just not my thing.  The way people think, the pace, the diseases and treatments, it all just doesn't really interest me.  And that's okay.  It's not for everyone!

   I have been enjoying the babies, learning about them and getting more comfortable handling them.  Afterall, this will be super useful when I'm trying to catch babies later on, and also when I decide to have children of my own.  I've enjoyed talking to the new parents.  I just love how excited they are sometimes.

  So far the highlight of my week was giving a newborn baby girl her very first bath.  She was so fat and cute, and it was just a precious experience.  And her new dads were watching excitedly, not wanting to miss a single moment.  *sigh* So cute.

I Wanna Go Back To Vagina-Land

   Last week I finished my OB/Gyn rotation, and it was f-ing awesome.  I am so sold.  I love everything about it: the patients, the issues, the treatments, the counseling, the personalities of the physicians, EVERYTHING!  I think I did okay on my exams, so I'm anxious to get my grade.  I worked really hard, and so far it has been paying off in my evaluations, but I hope it also pays off in my exam scores.  Even if I don't honor though, it's not the end of the world, and I'll still get into an OBGyn residency.  And I got a LOT out of this rotation, in terms of both learning and figuring out things for my future.  I'm really sad it's over, and now I've got to try and stay on track for the rest of the year as I make my way through things I don't really like.

   Speaking of which, I started pediatrics this week, and this is going to be a long 8 weeks ahead of me.  I mean, yeah the kids are cute, but I'm not ga-ga over them like a lot of my classmates, and their disease processes and treatments don't really interest me.  Also, I can tell I am going to have a hard time with the personalities in this field.  They are nice people (most of them, anyway), but we just don't... mesh well.  So far, there are a few passive-aggressive personalities, and working with them is going to be a test of my patience because these types of personalities are my pet peeve.  For instance, my attending (who by-the-way, I think already hates me) tried to make a passive aggressive remark on my presentation about my controversial source instead of being direct.  That pisses me off.  If you are an educator, you need to grow some balls/ovaries and tell me what you don't like about it/what I need to fix, or don't say anything at all.  So I totally called her out, and asked if there was something I said wrong - which I didn't - but she thought I did, because she wasn't even listening.  If she would have just corrected me, she would have found out that I actually DID say it right.  Whatever.

  It's already very clear to me that I am not a pediatrician.

Feeling Territorial Over OBGyn

   Wow, I haven't posted for a while!  I've been busy with the gynecology and outpatient clinic part of my OBGyn rotation, but I've been loving every minute of it.  I'm still super jazzed about pursuing OBGyn as my specialty.  I have been working my butt off, and for the first time in a very long time I actually feel like I'm doing a good job.  I've been getting good feedback from people I've been working with, and I just love what I'm doing again.

   One thing that has been irritating the hell out of me is how several people in my class all of a sudden are "interested in OBGyn".  There are a few people that, like me, have been super interested from the start - and I don't mind them at all.  In fact, we often work together and help each other out in our pursuits.  What bothers me is classmates who tell the attendings and residents they are considering OBGyn, but when talking to fellow classmates, admit they have no interest.  Come on people!  Telling people you want to go into a field that you actually don't is not going to help you at all.  And it just makes the residents and attendings not take anyone seriously.  It's extremely frustrating for people like me to witness these interactions, and I've lost respect for a few people because of it.  If people truly are all of a sudden interested in OBGyn, then that's great.  But it's really hard for me to listen to people say they are interested, when their actions and attitudes clearly indicate that they are not.  Also, I realize I am being a brat.  And I think I'm okay with that...

   Funny enough, I was describing my feelings about this matter to BF, and he goes, "Well, that's very OBGyn of you to feel territorial like that."  And then I just laughed.

   Also, here are my latest nails.  And yes, they are a tiny bit unprofessional.



 

 

All My Crafting Is Paying Off

   I've realized surgery (and medical procedures in general) are very much like arts and crafts.  You have to have a lot of concentration, and not get bored with being meticulous with your movements.  I observed a sacrocolpopexy the other day, and I was strangely reminded of some kind of basket weaving or needle work.

   I've also realized that OB/Gyn is all of the good things I liked about surgery (the OR, doing procedures, quick-to-the-point rounds, "fixing" your patient)... but without all of the things I hated about surgery (not liking or not caring about patients' well-being, competitive patriarchal culture, etc).

   This week, I was scrubbed in on a gyn surgery, and the team let me close the skin.  I am always rusty and awkward when I start suturing, but as I move along the incision and relax more, I get smoother and faster.  When I finally finished sewing up this lady's abdomen, the attending came over to check my handy work, and she goes, "Wow! What do you wanna go into? Plastic surgery or something?!"

Me: "No, I wanna go into OB/Gyn!"

Her: "Oh good! You're hired! Your C-section patients will love you!  Just skip 4th year of med school.  You don't learn anything then anyway.  Just start residency now."

   If only they could see my smile and bright red face underneath my mask...

When You Know, You Know!

   Just finished my third night in a row of overnight call for OBgyn, and I'm somehow feeling more refreshed than ever! In the last three nights, I've delivered one baby boy, one baby girl, and a few placentas. One of the new dads had the nurse put a onesie on his newborn that said, "mommy, will you marry daddy?" Another patient came in at term and gave birth within a few hours of arriving, with absolutely no prenatal care and meth positive. I've observed several other births, held a woman's leg while she pushed, and scrubbed in on a salphingostomy for an ectopic pregnancy. I've been working with attendings, residents and nurses who may be tired, but they all love their jobs and are extremely passionate about caring for patients. The residents aren't touchy-feely-bubbly, but they actually acknowledge me, include me and let me do stuff, and teach me when they have time. I've even had two chief residents tell me I'm doing a good job, one of which told me she "has a good feeling about me going into OBgyn." I'm tired, but it's been incredible.
   I don't know how any other specialty is going to live up to this!

   Unfortunately, the one bummer is that I lent my stethoscope to one of the residents, who left it on the table in the work room to give it back to me, and someone took it :(. I mean, I didn't really have a choice - when a resident or attending asks you to borrow your stethoscope, it would be really rude to say no. But it just sucks because it was an expensive one and the resident was super nonchalant about it. I can't really do anything about it because they are evaluating me. Oh well, I have a cheaper back-up one at home. And maybe this is the price I must pay for getting so much action on my call nights.

Placentas Are Like Jellyfish

   Yesterday was my first time assisting in a delivery, but I didn't really do much, so I'm not gonna count that was my first one.  Today I got to deliver my first placenta.  IT WAS AWESOME.  Lol... I don't know who gets excited about delivering a placenta, but I do.  Anyway, I'm still loving OB/Gyn.  I'm working on learning as much as I can so I will be a rockstar intern, working on my confidence in taking H&Ps and treating patients, and trying my hardest to balance being proactive with not getting in the way too much.  All the interns and residents just seem to know what they are doing, and I can't wait until I get to that point.  I think people are beginning to warm up to me :).  It's just hard because when I get intimidated, I get very quiet and shy, so sometimes I come off stand-offish.

   Something I realized about OB/Gyns that makes me giggle is how superstitious they are.  They are always knocking on wood and saying, "Don't jinx me!!!"  I think it's funny.

Is It Normal To Feel High During A NSVD?

   First week of L&D is complete, and I absolutely love it.  The team is pretty nice, but I'm still waiting for a few of them to warm up to me - all in good time.  I absolutely love the patients.  I just being the "go-to girl" for all their "intimate issues".
   Yesterday, I was observing another NSVD (normal spontaneous vaginal delivery), and AGAIN had to keep myself under control to stop myself from crying tears of joy.  I just can't help it!  Everyone in the room is just so different after a birth.  The awaiting family is standing by with their cameras at the ready and ginormous grins on their faces.  The new mom can't take her eyes off her precious new baby, whispering, "I love you so much already" into baby's ear. All the physicians and nurses (even the ones who are usually cold and intense in all other situations), are giddy with excitement and congratulating the new mom on her wonderful job well done.  And last but not least, my very favorite part of all: the new dad is wiping tears of joy from his eyes, kissing mom on the forehead, with a look on his face that screams this is the happiest moment of his life.  This might not sound normal, but I swear, the feeling I get while all of this is going on feels like I'm high on happy drugs.  How could I not love doing this every day?!
   I know, every birth is different.  Each family experiences the important event differently.  And every once in a while, the event is somber or tense.  But if I could just participate in a birth as miraculous as yesterday every once in a while, it would make it all worth it.  I think - I hope - I've found my calling.

Insert HUGE Sigh Of Relief Here

   Had my first day of L&D today.  Was a CRAAAAAAZY day.  And I loved every minute of it!  Again, teared up with joy while watching a vag delivery.  I am breathing a HUGE sigh of relief because I'm feeling those butterflies I haven't felt in so long, and I'm reminded why I went into medicine.  I LOVE OB/GYN!

    More later.  Have to sleep now.

My Surgery Rotation Was Like Menopause

   We had our orientation for OB/Gyn today, and I'm already super excited!  I just love learning about all these things, so it makes it easier to study.  A few friends and I decided that our surgery rotation was just like menopause.  It caused us to have insomnia, irritability, and the pimping gave us sweating and hotflashes.

    Last night, I had some really weird nightmares.  BF thinks it's my delayed processing of being done with my surgery rotation.  First I dreamed that I was in a car accident, and that 30% of my body got burned.  In the dream, I had circumferential burns on my left leg, so I was all scared because I knew I needed an escharotomy STAT (nerd alert!).  Then that dream ended, and my second dream was a lot more disturbing.  I dreamed that I was in high school again, and that someone was trying to push me into a big boiling vat of chemicals to burn me alive (yeah, I don't know what's up with the burn theme...) and I was freaking out because I knew how bad chemical burns were.  Somehow, I escaped, but then the villain shot up the whole school and I had to hide.  Eventually, I survived, and my dream ended with people evacuating the school, several of them in stretchers from being shot.  It was pretty freaky.

The End Of A More Difficult Chapter

    Now that surgery is over, I'm left with many lingering thoughts, some of which I'll discuss now, and others which I'll come back to at some other point. I'm feeling a bit burned out at this point, and like I mentioned before, I've never actually reconsidered going into medicine before this last two months. Ultimately, I think it's just a sign that surgery is not for me, and when I find what's right for me, I'll be re-inspired and reminded why I'm doing what I'm doing, or at least that's what I'm desperately hoping for.
     It's interesting because when I look back on my psych rotation, it, too, was emotionally hard on me at times, but for completely different reasons. On psych, the patient's stories were sad, and it got frustrating not being able to fix all the patient's problems, but connecting with the patients was a fun challenge. And as a med student, you were a valuable part of the team, and the team welcomed you and cared about your learning and well being. On surgery, most people don't give a shit about the med students, and instead of looking at med students as future fellow colleagues who are on their journey of training, they look at us like we're little idiots who aren't worth their time. On surgery, people have huge egos and mostly care about "knowing their shit" and looking good. They really don't care to spend any time with the patients, which might be the reason I feel so burned out. Spending time with patients is one thing that re-energizes me and gives me that "warm and fuzzy" feeling, and those feelings have been far and few in between on this rotation.  One day, when one of my fellow MS3s and I were tired of being in the OR, we decided to go up to our floor and do "social rounds" on all of the patients on our service.  We went around to each patient's room, just popped in to say "Hi, how are you doing?" and then went on our merry way.  One patient was feeling particularly down, because he had been in the hospital so long, so we sat down and chatted with him for a good 20 minutes.  It was really nice to give the patients some attention, because usually they don't get much after rounds are over.
    I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago when I was still bitter about my experience on trauma surgery, so now I'm feeling a little more optimistic about medicine after having an overall great experience on GI surgery.  Unfortunately, we just have this weekend to recharge before rotation 3, so I hope I can muster up the energy.  I start L&D for OB/Gyn this week, which I am really excited about.  I can't believe my time is finally here - time to really see if this is what I want.  I hope this is the rotation that re-inspires me.  I have a good feeling about this, so here we go!

BF and I had a BBQ to celebrate being done with 1/3 of our third year!

    ***Also, I did some much-needed retail therapy today and bought some new professional dresses and blouses.  :)  Hey... I deserved it after making it through 8 weeks of surgery, right?!

Third Year Of Med School Is Such A Rollercoaster

   ... So hold on tight, but enjoy the loop-de-loops (even if they make you nauseated at times)!

   Today was my last day of GI surgery (the second half of my surgery rotation), and it was the perfect last day.  The patient I picked up this morning was super cheery and was motivated to change his life for the better, which set the tone for a light-hearted rest of the day.  We had M&M today, which was just as dramatic as ever, however, I've learned to really appreciate the theatrics of the whole affair.  When an attending from one department asked about the management of a particular cancer, one of the surg-onc attendings answered, "Yeah, we haven't done that for years.  We also started writing with ballpoint pens instead of quills..."  At first, I used to be really bothered by how the surgeons would always humiliate eachother every week at M&M, but then I realized most of them thrive on that shit, so I learned to appreciate the humor in it.
   My fellow MS3s and I were going to try to study for our shelf on Friday, but we were sitting in the cafeteria, so throughout the day, everyone from our team kept sitting down to chat with us while they ate.  It is so nice to have such a strong team dynamic that everyone actually wants to sit with eachother to eat.  We spent hours today just shooting the shit with our attendings and chief resident about figuring out what you want in life, career choices in medicine, and the behind the scenes of what life is like as a surgeon.  It was such a positive note to end the rotation on.
   Since it was our last day, all day the whole team kept telling us how good of a job we did, and how much they were going to miss us.  At first, I couldn't really figure out why they liked us so much, because I don't feel like we made that big of a contribution.  But then I thought more about it, and I think the contribution we made to the team was by having fun, enjoying the whole process, and laughing about everything throughout the entire rotation.  The NP asked us, "Do you guys take happy pills or something?!"  I think a lot of times people in surgery are so serious because of the intensity of the specialty and the critical nature of a lot of the patients, so I think our team appreciated our bubbly, high-spirited attitudes every day.  We had several of them tell us they hadn't laughed that hard in a long time.
    I'm really glad to be ending this rotation on such a good feeling.  This second half was drastically different from the first, and it had everything to do with the team.  It makes such a huge difference when the leaders of your team actually acknowledge your existence and care about your learning/well-being.

   That's all for now.  More thoughts on my surgery rotation later... probably after I take the shelf.  I gotta study!!!