These last couple of years, we've heard over and over, when you go into medicine, you sacrifice so much. I knew I'd have to sacrifice things, miss out on fun activities, delay important life milestones, and neglect relationships. But man, we really do give up a lot. It's hard to grasp it until you find yourself with no time, no patience, and no sympathy for others, even your loved ones. My grandma just got discharged from the hospital for a UTI, but she is still delirious, and we're starting to worry if she's gonna get back to her mental baseline. This issue is bringing up a lot of family drama, about who is gonna take care of her, what will we do for her, what can we do for her, and all I can think about is how I just can't. I just can't deal with these things. I don't have time, I don't have energy, I don't have the patience, the sympathy, the strength. I just can't.
I'm just gonna have to be selfish on this one, and stay out of it, let everyone else figure it out, and keep my head above water. I can't afford to get involved, to be supportive, or to lend my time and energy, because sadly, I'm barely scraping by with what little I've got. I'm just gonna do what I've gotten really good at this year, and remain numb. Numb and selfish. God I hope this version of me doesn't last forever.
I guess the best way I can be helpful, but still keep my own head above water, is to support my parents while they help figure out this whole family crisis mess. I can do that.
My friend L recently posted about third year in med school, and how it changes us. And I really enjoyed it, because she perfectly explained exactly how I feel.